1. There is a portal to an alternate dimension in my dryer. It’s where my socks disappear to.
2. The Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block had a concert in Canada. How long can they still be called Kids and Boys? At this point isn’t more like “The Creepy Guys on the Block” or “Backstreet Fellows”?
3. If I’m ever stuck in my seat belt in an upside down car with gasoline flowing from my severed fuel line as sparks threaten to ignite the gas and burn me alive I think my last thought will be “great, I’m going to die in a fucking bad movie cliché.”
4. I think people just like being in relationships so they can have someone nice to think about when they hear love songs.
5. How disappointed were gay men when they first heard the rapper “Fabolous”?
6. You think Calvin owns that McDonald’s yet?
7. People hate Lebron so much right now that I’m waiting for him to release his long form birth certificate at his next press conference.
8. I hate when there are paper towels on the bathroom floor like someone wiped their hands and made it rain napkins.
9. Degrees are over rated. Why else would it take 425 of them to bake a pizza in under a half hour? Fuck school.
10. If you want to see Alexis Texas fuck a black dude just adjust the tint on your TV.
11. I’m pretty sure Victoria’s Secret was that she’s a hoe.
12. I’m totally against group think and peer pressure. Unless you guys are for it. Then in that case it’s cool with me. Please like me.
13. I don’t think people are racist. I just think the presence of a black person is a great reminder to remotely arm your car alarm system.
14. If you’re ever trying to sneak into a house and murder a family remember every time God closes are door he opens a window.