1. When we find the bodies in Blake Griffin’s basement remember that I told you so.
2. No matter how big you get, never forget the people who lied for you on your resume references. It will help keep you grounded.
3. People always advocate picking fights with someone your own size. While this may seem smart I think it’s smarter to not pick fights at all. I measure the potential of fights by how spectacular an event it could be when being retold to someone who wasn’t present at the time. So while me beating up a weaker opponent is an expected outcome of an altercation with a smaller guy, a smaller guy beating me up becomes an epic tale of overcoming the odds that would live on forever. Why risk that result? I’d rather just opt to stay safe unless I HAVE to fight. You tell me what is more memorable:
A: “Remember when Rod beat up that Midget? That was wrong! Shame on him.”
B: “Remember when that midget beat up Rod?! That was awesome! Rod is a pussy!”
4. Speaking of fighting. If there is one group of sports fans I don’t want to fight, it’s MMA fans. From my experience these guys are either testosterone fuel steroid psychos or nerds who used to get beat up when they were younger and decided to prepare for any future conflicts that may come their way. And sometimes they’re BOTH! MMA fighters and fans never even look like complete bad asses either. They have champions who look like they could be working in the accounting department at your job. I’ll skip out on that ass whooping.
5. What the hell was the cat doing IN the bag in the first place?
6. Why are there no thanksgiving fast food specials like Turkey Tacos or Pumpkin Pie Ice Cream?
7. People always say you can’t solve a problem by throwing money at it. Apparently these people have never “made it rain” in the club.
8. You’re old when you buy shoes because they are a good sale. If you don’t find out your shoes are endorsed by an athlete until after you’ve bought them? You’re old.
9. When will Souljah Boy become Souljah Man? And when this happens can we ship his ass off to Iraq?
10. If there is a war on drugs then where the fuck are the bulletproof vest, hum vees and M-16 assault rifles? They are all on the drug dealer’s side of the game! The only ones prepared to actually fight a “war” are the people selling it. Think about that.
11. I seriously doubt there has ever been a No white folks allowed” sign on any business in America.
12. New idea for an iPhone app. “Words with enemies”. It’s basically words with friends except you can use curse words and racial slurs.
13. If you’re one of those people that celebrates your dog’s birthday then I think I PROBABLY know how you feel about me owning a Mike Vick jersey.
14. At some point someone is going to commit a crime completely to get Twitter followers. Are we prepared for this? Like is someone shoots a rapper and then screams “At Rodimusprime ya’ll! Follow me on Twitter!” I won’t even be shocked.