1. Stores hire security guards. Is there any way that people with fragile egos could hire “insecurity guards”? That way I’d never have to deal with your bullshit. Before I get ready to make a joke or observation about whatever it is that you’re sensitive about an “Insecurity guard” could step in and warn me with his flashlight.

2. I’ve never ordered a “flavor bowl” from KFC or Bojangles. I know slavery food when I see it. It’s basically the leftovers from all the other product they can’t sell individually thrown in a mash up and gravy is poured all over that crap. Every time someone orders that stuff they should have to speak in slave English. I’m going to just start calling them “Slaver Bowls”.

3. I’m fat. Now that we’ve got that out the way let me tell you about this epiphany I had. As you know KFC came out with the Double Down “sandwich” a few weeks ago. Ever since that I’ve been contemplating food and the companies that slang it. Our food is a crack now. Every time you pull up to a drivethru you’re consuming some crack. I can’t help but think that these companies are out to kill us. They know we’re addicted and that we can’t quit so they are just getting worse and worse.

That reminds me of the financial crisis. The reason we’re in this crisis is because of shady “tools” that were used to bet on stocks without actually creating any money. The deregulation of the financial industry happened through lobbying for political favors. Laws were repealed or relaxed and now we’re screwed. Well how is that different than the “double down”? Food has just gotten worse and shadier over the past 20 years while the country has gotten fatter and fatter. It’s the same damned thing as the financial crisis. We’re in a food crisis.

4. I think I piss people off with the way I talk sometimes. I use words for accuracy’s sake without regard to the emotional attachments that some people have to those words. I said that the newest Arizona law was “profiling and harassment” but before I could actually say how I felt about it Darric cut me off. It’s like he was going to defend the fact that it was necessary to profile people for this law to be implemented. My point wasn’t if it was right or wrong it was simply that this law is the definition of those two terms if you’re just a law abiding American citizen who gets pulled over on suspicion of being illegal. That being said I think I’m for this bill because I want to see what happens. Let’s find out who’s right on a trial basis before trying to do this nationally. We need some test runs at the state level. That’s how our system should work.

5. I’m going to start defending athletes who are accused of committing outlandish crimes by citing their on the field accolades.
A. Did you hear LT raped someone? “What? Nah man. He’s a hall of famer!”
B. “How could Tiger cheat on his wife man? He won the masters! He’s innocent.”

6. Putting toothpaste on your vagina doesn’t prevent pregnancy or disease. That’s a different type of “cavity protection”.

7. I want to invent an “ex-cersize” class. It’s a work out class at a gym where we bring your ex-lovers by to look at you. It would be great motivation to get in shape and stay in shape while gloating. Everyone likes to look better than their ex-lovers right?

8. Stephen Hawking – inventor of auto-tunes.

9. Between Big Ben and LT it’s really getting to the point where you can’t rape ANYONE these days. Jeez!

10. I’m not a fan of Andy Rooney. He’s out of touch and old. That being said, I think I would be willing to watch a TV show where Andy Rooney played the role of a judge like, “Judge Judy”. I’d just like to hear him go on rhetorical rants while the people on trial would wait impatiently for him to get on with his ruling. How could this not work?

11. The other day the spell check on my iPhone corrected a typo to “strike”. So instead of “Can I stroke them titties?” which is funny and honest it became, “Can I strike them titties?” which is a abusive and ridiculous. The worst part is that the answer was yes. Am I in a relationship with a masochist and I just discovered it? Or did she already know it was a typo? Only one way to find out….

12. I want to create a show called, “To Catch A Creditor” where people who owe money to credit cards can find the employee who calls their house during dinner to harass them about money owed. It’s not nearly as honorable as Chris Hansen’s show but it does rhyme.

13. June is officially Sundress month! Ladies… get to shopping!

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