1. Pandora was probably just a crazy chick back in ancient Greece and opening her box probably lead to her being all types of ratchet. Subsequently I think all crazy women’s vaginas should be called “Pandora’s Boxes”.
2. Kids have no imagination any more. Everything is already mapped out for them with video games and various other technology. If you ask a kid what “Imagination” is they’ll tell you it’s a editing program made by Sony. Look it up!
3. Ladies I wear a size 13 in business shoes. And you know what they say about a man’s business shoes right? He’s got a job.
4. Why did we spend all that time learning the Dewey Decimal system?
5. The secret ingredient in my recipe to make tender ribs is “let the ribs listen to Drake for 2 hours” before grilling.
6. New Twitter rule if you can figure something out in 10 seconds with the help of Google then don’t ask me! I’m tired of questions like, “what’s the score of the game” sent from a smart phone or laptop computer.
7. The new Summer’s Eve commercial compares vaginas to hands. Somehow I think men have known this for years.
8. Who ever came up with “no such thing as a dumb question” obviously didn’t have a Twitter account.
9. If you think about it Batman’s belt was the only cool “Fanny Pack” in world history. Of course Jack Bauer has the only cool “man-purse” though.
10. Much like art all good binge eating comes from shame.
11. Kids are stupid. How do these clown party costumes fool them? Of course that’s not Sponge Bob dummy. Suddenly he and Patrick can’t talk? Really? If he had a sore throat why wouldn’t he just stay home?
12. I know we call little kids toddlers but what exactly is toddling? Is it like how hipsters are hip?
13. You ever cut onions and start crying at the same time you realize your uncle molested you? Thank God for those onions…
14. First there was planking. That’s where people lay down flat and take a pic of themselves. Now there is “Batmaning” where you hang from an object by your toes. I think the next step in the agenda is to bring back lynching. I’m onto you white people.
15. In hindsight I see why Snake Plisskin always had such a hard time convincing people he was a bad ass. He had one eye and a perm.
16. I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “Dieing of AIDS. Please help!” And I wanted to roll the window down and say “Yeah I can help you. You spelled ‘dying’ wrong.”