1. I wonder if Glenn Beck calls it “Call of Duty: Colored Operations”.
2. There’s no such thing as penis enlargement cream. Only “penis size insecurity” cream.
3. People say you shouldn’t go where you’re not wanted. Yeah, but what if you’re a fugitive?
4. One method of critiquing someone is the “compliment sandwich” method. If the criticism is the meat then obviously my boss wants me to be on a low carb diet.
5. Yo what if secretly Warren Buffet votes Republican in the booth when no one is watching?
6. Did you know that pigs are actually smarter than dogs? Oh you didn’t? Yeah that’s because they are delicious.
7. Whenever someone drops the mic on stage I always think about that poor sound guy who has to fix that.
8. I know there is extra virgin olive oil but is there any dirty dirty whore olive oil?
9. You ever have a moment of pure ignorant prejudice? I had one the other day in the grocery store. I saw a woman in a berka on a cell phone. For some reason that struck me as odd. Finally I realized that the unease I felt was because I thought it was against her religion to use technology. I was like, “Muslims can’t use cell phones.” As quickly as I thought that my brain had a second MORE ignorant thought of, “Oh wait yes they can that’s how they set off the bombs.” And now that thought is in your head. You’re welcome.
Side Note: The difference between me and most Republicans is that it took me 5 seconds to realize this was dumb and racist.
10. They really have to change it to “Hoe-llaween” at this point right?
11. I’m getting my CPR recertification tonight. I think everyone should do it. Even if you don’t do it to save lives it’s a good alibi for hovering over an unconscious person.
12. My fantasy football team is so bad I proposed a trade to my white friend citing “reparation forgiveness” as a reason he should do the trade.
13. Styles P has been rapping about the same crimes for almost 2 decades now. Move neighborhoods dude.
14. You know you have a pretty uptight job when people talk in their cubicles like how antelope drink water in the wild.
15. Is there a Jewish word for coon? Cause it feels like Adam Sandler has crossed that line for Jewish people.
16. I think people have wedding photos only because they need something to put tears on and burn once the divorce comes.
17. Some people say they don’t see race. I like to tell them I don’t see gravity.
18. Saw Mission Impossible 4 last night. Spoiler Alert: They accomplished the fucking mission again. It should be “Mission Harder Than U Think”