1. When I die I want my obituary to mention that my cause of death was being smothered in a big juicy ass. It’s my life and that’s how I choose to go out.
2. You ever have sex so good that you call your momma afterward and thank her for not aborting you? Oh… me neither. (I text instead)
3. Al Sharpton has to go to a beauty salon to get his hair done. I don’t know why but that’s just funny to me. I keep picturing him under the dryer with rollers in his hair reading a JET magazine.
4. They need a Corona ad where it’s a corpse on the beach and then two detectives walk up and it’s dead person in the snow.
5. I want to call these LMFAO cats some “coons” but they are too racially ambiguous …
6. The revolution will be televised. Everything is televised now. But no one will see it because we’ll be too busy watching Basketball Wives, Tim Tebow and Fox News.
7. I’m going to start a website called “Black People Meat” and it’s going to be dedicated to hog maws, fat back, ribs, fried chicken and probably genitals. And possibly racist cannibalism but I’m not committing to that.
8. I don’t want to be the “Egg McMuffin” of anything but I’d love to be the “Sausage McGriddle” of being awesomely bad for you.
9. People always say the internet and TV are bad for you. I always see this on the internet and TV.
10. In hindsight I feel like those mistresses were Herman Cain’s horcruxes. Or should it be “whore-cruxes”?
11. I saw an XXX video that was called Sorority Sistas but the chicks were kind of old. I think they were pledging grad chapter.
12. Rob Schneider is Adam Sandler’s Memphis Bleek.
13. I keep getting spam for BBW dating sites. And I had the same question you have right now… How did they know?!
14. When I’m angry I send work emails in all lower case but with a huge font size because I’m passive aggressive.
15. I’m gonna come out with a show about getting people with kinky hair to get perms. I’ll call it “Beyond Haired Straight”
16. By the transitive properties of reality TV Shaq has made out with Flavor Flav.
17. Dudes say they aren’t homophobic but then won’t eat a banana in front of a gay dude.
18. Every day I try my best to stay out of the hoods. Specifically the parent and adult ones.