1. The people who make Run Pee need to come out with an app called “run shit” where they tell you about 15 minutes of the movie instead of the five minutes they tell you about now.
2. Qdoba has a buy one get one free coupon for a kiss on Valentine’s Day. What do I get for a blow job?
3. If lamb skin condoms are made of lamb skin. Sheep skin condoms are made of sheep skins. What are bare skin condoms by Trojan made of?
4. They should change the name of “The Cleveland Show” to “African American Dad”.
5. Why isn’t someone being extremely ashy a fetish? I mean everything is a fetish to someone else right? Why not “ash to mouth” porn?
6. If porn is as influential as people say it is then why aren’t there a lot more pizza men in the world?
7. So are we pretending that Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes didn’t have severe multiple personality disorder represented by Hobbes the Tiger?
8. I gave up “on humanity” for Lent.
9. I wonder if MJ actually kept anything in the pockets of that leather zipper jacket.
10. I’m convinced that the only people still playing “Words With Friends” are cheaters and people who don’t mind losing.
11. Mike has been in Brazil for a long time at this point. I think they should change the site to “Brazilian Mike.”
12. They printed the last set of encyclopedias this week. So does that mean from now on kids will read novels about Wikipedia Brown?
13. Big movie and video game releases make me sick and I need time off work. It’s a very rare disease.
14. Whenever I see an old person smoking cigarettes I always think, “Good for you. You beat the odds!” Then they tell me that they are actually 25 years old.
15. I don’t judge smokers because I’m fat. I have impulse control issue with my eating. I’m a chronic masticator.
16. I’m glad we as a people got comfortable with the term “Black” because “African American” is too long for porn titles.
17. All of Nicki Minaj’s songs are 3 to 5 minutes too long.
18. Do the people who were upset that Rue was black in “The Hunger Games” movie know that the bible took place in Africa? Uh oh…
19. Microwave Mexican food is the laziest of all the food groups. The instructions are way too casual. “Open one end of the package and cook 1 to 5 minutes.”
20. I hated reading when I was growing up. I was the only kid who actually took Levar Burton’s word for it.
21. Women think I’m really respectful but honestly I just think “ma’am” is short for “mammaries”.