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The Impossible White Manifesto

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Basic Guidelines For Impossible White Man Movies:

ManofSteel

He’s a Superman Not An Impossible One

1. I can’t be a super hero / comic book movie. Not that these movies don’t have elements of “Impossible White Man” in them but comic book characters have super powers and that alone takes them out of the equation. This genre of movie is about average everyday white men rising to the challenges presented to them in order to achieve a greater purpose.

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He Has No Super Powers, Yet He Flies. IMPOSSIBLE!

The idea here is that they are DOING super hero shit but they don’t have any qualifications other than being an average white man. They can have loosely defined skills such as a shady criminal history, a military background or even an athletic past. Those are fine but once you start saying he can shoot lasers out of his eyes all of the “Impossible” goes out the fucking window.

Time Travel Is Impossible But Michael J Fox Is Not!

Time Travel Is Impossible But Michael J Fox Is Not!

2. It HAS to be an action movie. You really would think this would be the easiest tenant of the genre but recently people have been fucking this up the most. A scify movie isn’t an action movie. A comedy isn’t an action movie. A drama isn’t an action movie. All of these movies may have elements of action in the movie, but it doesn’t make them an action movie.While you can have Impossible White Man movies with elements of comedy, drama or science fiction this doesn’t work the other way around.

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This Is The Only Punch Line Indiana Jones Needs!

So Marty McFly, Bill and Ted and Gatsby aren’t “Impossible White Men”. Just because a white person does something “impossible” in a movie doesn’t make it impossible white man. Every movie has something improbable happen during the course of the movie. That’s why they filmed it in the first place. You’ll know an Impossible White Man Movie when you view it. Think Indiana Jones, Die Hard, Lock Out or Lethal Weapon.

Anyone Can Die. Nothing Impossible About It At All

Anyone Can Die. Nothing Impossible About It At All

3. They can’t die in the end. This is the simplest of rules yet somehow people can’t grasp this. And Impossible White Man never truly gives EVERYTHING for the cause. The only way they can die is if they are immediately brought back to life through CPR, preferably by a hot chick. Examples of movies people THINK are Impossible White Man but aren’t: I Am Legend, Book Of Eli, Man On Fire and Terminator.

If You Die And Immediately Come Back That's Fine.

If You Die And Immediately Come Back That’s Fine.

4. You don’t have to be white OR a man to play an Impossible White Man. It doesn’t matter what race of gender the hero of the movie is, the role is always “Impossible White Man.” In the movie “Salt” Angelina Jolie’s character is an Impossible White Man. Same with Will Smith in Independence Day.

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Yes Laura Croft is an Impossible White Man

 

2 Comments

  1. disregardjordan

    09/20/2013 at 3:52 AM

    So tonight my cousin and I stumbled upon a movie named “Parker” (2013) starring Jason Statham on Netflix. We were not prepared for what we were about to see.

    After watching the first ridiculous moment of what I thought was going to be a simple crime drama, I caught myself letting out one of Rod’s patented post-movie “NIGGA” declarations. Steve Harvey eyes emerged. I knew what I was witnessing. I paused it and referred to the “Impossible White Man” episode of the podcast, as well as this manifesto. It was indeed, an Impossible White man movie.

    Now, I don’t want to spoil any of the great moments, just know that it follows the Impossible White Man guidelines to the tee. It even hits some of the bonus points, that Rod brought up, multiple times. Outrageousness will ensue. “Parker” is great for any Impossible White Man fans and is a great starting point for anybody looking to get into the genre.

    9/10 Abraham Lincolns from me.

    Peace out, TBGWT Nation.

  2. Kearns aka Kay

    07/12/2013 at 2:55 AM

    This was awesome and educational. Guidelines were definitely needed. You gotta do one for the “impossible white woman” genre.

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