Month: April 2011 (Page 3 of 6)

Take the phone off “speaker” please…

One part water and two parts crack… sounds good.

1. Stores hire security guards. Is there any way that people with fragile egos could hire “insecurity guards”? That way I’d never have to deal with your bullshit. Before I get ready to make a joke or observation about whatever it is that you’re sensitive about an “Insecurity guard” could step in and warn me with his flashlight.

2. I’ve never ordered a “flavor bowl” from KFC or Bojangles. I know slavery food when I see it. It’s basically the leftovers from all the other product they can’t sell individually thrown in a mash up and gravy is poured all over that crap. Every time someone orders that stuff they should have to speak in slave English. I’m going to just start calling them “Slaver Bowls”.

3. I’m fat. Now that we’ve got that out the way let me tell you about this epiphany I had. As you know KFC came out with the Double Down “sandwich” a few weeks ago. Ever since that I’ve been contemplating food and the companies that slang it. Our food is a crack now. Every time you pull up to a drivethru you’re consuming some crack. I can’t help but think that these companies are out to kill us. They know we’re addicted and that we can’t quit so they are just getting worse and worse.

That reminds me of the financial crisis. The reason we’re in this crisis is because of shady “tools” that were used to bet on stocks without actually creating any money. The deregulation of the financial industry happened through lobbying for political favors. Laws were repealed or relaxed and now we’re screwed. Well how is that different than the “double down”? Food has just gotten worse and shadier over the past 20 years while the country has gotten fatter and fatter. It’s the same damned thing as the financial crisis. We’re in a food crisis.

4. I think I piss people off with the way I talk sometimes. I use words for accuracy’s sake without regard to the emotional attachments that some people have to those words. I said that the newest Arizona law was “profiling and harassment” but before I could actually say how I felt about it Darric cut me off. It’s like he was going to defend the fact that it was necessary to profile people for this law to be implemented. My point wasn’t if it was right or wrong it was simply that this law is the definition of those two terms if you’re just a law abiding American citizen who gets pulled over on suspicion of being illegal. That being said I think I’m for this bill because I want to see what happens. Let’s find out who’s right on a trial basis before trying to do this nationally. We need some test runs at the state level. That’s how our system should work.

5. I’m going to start defending athletes who are accused of committing outlandish crimes by citing their on the field accolades.
A. Did you hear LT raped someone? “What? Nah man. He’s a hall of famer!”
B. “How could Tiger cheat on his wife man? He won the masters! He’s innocent.”

6. Putting toothpaste on your vagina doesn’t prevent pregnancy or disease. That’s a different type of “cavity protection”.

7. I want to invent an “ex-cersize” class. It’s a work out class at a gym where we bring your ex-lovers by to look at you. It would be great motivation to get in shape and stay in shape while gloating. Everyone likes to look better than their ex-lovers right?

8. Stephen Hawking – inventor of auto-tunes.

9. Between Big Ben and LT it’s really getting to the point where you can’t rape ANYONE these days. Jeez!

10. I’m not a fan of Andy Rooney. He’s out of touch and old. That being said, I think I would be willing to watch a TV show where Andy Rooney played the role of a judge like, “Judge Judy”. I’d just like to hear him go on rhetorical rants while the people on trial would wait impatiently for him to get on with his ruling. How could this not work?

11. The other day the spell check on my iPhone corrected a typo to “strike”. So instead of “Can I stroke them titties?” which is funny and honest it became, “Can I strike them titties?” which is a abusive and ridiculous. The worst part is that the answer was yes. Am I in a relationship with a masochist and I just discovered it? Or did she already know it was a typo? Only one way to find out….

12. I want to create a show called, “To Catch A Creditor” where people who owe money to credit cards can find the employee who calls their house during dinner to harass them about money owed. It’s not nearly as honorable as Chris Hansen’s show but it does rhyme.

13. June is officially Sundress month! Ladies… get to shopping!

This blog post was inspired by a conversation with @Terrysboy on Twitter. Donald Glover has started his own grass roots campaign to be cast as the role of Peter Parker in the next Spider-man movie. Spider-man 4 is rumored to be a relaunch of the series. They want to start over again with Peter in high school and take a few chances with the script since the actors and director from the previous movies want nothing to do with the franchise any more.

I don’t think a black Spider-man would work. I was content to just leave it there but my Twitter friend @Terryboy bombarded me with replies on this subject so I think I should do him justice with a well explained retort. I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind on this because people already seem to have their minds made up, but I would like a chance to give my rationale.

Peter Parker as the character is currently written is a masterpiece when it comes to the American experience. A poor kid from Queens who is a genius level science student raised by his widowed Aunt seems like it could be the stereotypical background for a black character. That’s where any similarities end. This isn’t a story of a kid who pulls himself up by his bootstraps to show the reader what it takes to be a success.

This is the story of a guy who never harnesses his potential in real life but reaps all the benefits anyways. He dates and marries the most famous super model on the planet. Gets a cushy gig at the Daily Bugle taking pictures of himself fighting bad guys while being a continual fuck-up at work. He’s chronically late to everything and totally blows off his entire cast of friends to pursue crime fighting. His best friend is the son of a billionaire who still hangs with Peter’s broke ass like he’s family. Oh and in-between all of this he manages to get the best science internships in the city on a consistent basis. Things just have a way of working out for Pete at every turn.

Peter Parker is the ultimate example of white privilege. You can’t just throw a brother in that role and make any of this believable. At every turn you buy Peter’s improbable luck because you can still picture people taking a chance on him. His story is just appealing enough and his face is just familiar enough that people constantly invest in him. That’s the key to his entire existence.

The last thing and well, probably the most important thing is this; I don’t trust Hollywood to do this movie correctly with a black star. I think you’d see a lot more references to race and stereotypes in the comedic turns of the script because that would be the entire hook this movie is predicated upon. I don’t want race and superhero comic book stuff to mix unless it’s pertinent to the plot. Why not make Batman gay? What about an Asian Superman? How about a movie where the Punisher is 400lbs of fat?

Stop messing with excellent premises in the name of a gimmick. Comics endure for decades because the source material is so well done. You can’t just insert race, sex or religion abruptly into a character’s origin story just to “spice it up” and expect me to roll with that. The only way it could work is to make this casting not about race at all but that would defeat the entire purpose of this “hook” gimmick they are using to relaunch this series. Now if you can find a reasonable way to make this relevant to the script and not besmirch the original storyline… I would consider it. The odds of Hollywood doing that? Zero. So how about this; let’s get the story correct this time. Instead of adding more elements for the movie industry to completely fuck up let’s get the key details of the current stories right.

Why is Wolverine leaving the Weapon X program in an afternoon? Why does Deadpool become an amalgamation of CG special effects and only has 2 speaking lines in the script? Why is Venom in Spider-man 3 for all of 25 minutes? It’s because guys like @Terrysboy (No disrespect) had similar thoughts about cavalierly changing the source material instead of delving into the minutia of the original storylines that made these franchises long-standing pillars of American mythology.

Now if you don’t mind I have to read some more of this new Batman series where he’s doing crime fighting in a wheelchair. Peace.

1. On the podcast we talked about “Eye balling” a technique where college students in take alcohol through pouring it into their eye sockets. Supposedly you get drunk faster even though they normally don’t do this until they are already hammered. What’s next? Liqour IV’s?

2. There is no better determination between the separation of racial culture than listening to two white dudes discuss how awesome “Jackass: The Movie” was to them. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never figure ya’ll out.

3. I guess John Travolta’s dogs finally reached their final destination.

4. I order this pizza from Brixx Brick Over Pizzaria up the street. It’s have American Style and have Mexican. I call it the NAFTA Pizza

5. How is crippling depression not an insult to people who are actually legitimately handicapped? I’m so sad that it’s like being like you, with your inability to walk or missing limbs or what not. It makes no sense. You never hear someone say I have “retarded sadness” or I was in a “handicapped amount of pain”.

6. Since BP is taking everyone’s suggestions about how to clean up the oil spill I’d like to add my own. My idea comes from the era of the Jheri Curl. How did your grandmother keep all that Jherri Curl juice off the couch? It’s easy just encase the ocean in plastic!

7. I want to become a relationship advice columnist that only gives out advice for abusive relationships. My advice would always be short and say stuff like, “Put some ice on it” or “Don’t go outside for a couple days and call in sick to work.”

8. Instead of prescription drugs people should be getting subscription drugs. They would come in the mail monthly. You just sign up for it like a magazine and send in a check. Then you can just renew annually if you dislike the drugs. Why wouldn’t this work?

9. Murphy Lee had a point. What will the chorus consist of?

10. You know how some animals in nature are more brightly colored than others? It normally means they are dangerous or poisonous? Well that’s how I feel about clothing or care accessories with Dixie flags on them. It’s like humanity’s way of identifying are most volatile members.

11. I was on The Insanity Check Podcast a couple of days ago and we decided that companies should be able to put “KKK” or confederate flags on the outside of their business to let you know that black people aren’t welcomed. I agreed at the time but then I had a nightmare. What if some of the places I love to go are secretly racist? What if Bojangles chicken put a confederate flag outside their establishment? I’d have to burn the city down!

12. Why does it seem like soldiers in the old days knew how to write a letter better than current soldiers? “Dears Celeste to gaze upon your countenance once again would be divine.”

13. Rick Ross is like Lance Armstrong. I believe everything he has to say until he stops talking. WTF man…?

14. Who came up with the term “laugh riot”? What exactly is that? Has anything ever been so funny that it turned an audience into a violent mob of lunatics? Maybe black people didn’t find the Rodney King footage outrageous but instead found it so hilarious that they decided to burn down all the Korean owned stores in Compton.

15. Why aren’t there any “player lovers”? Or are player lovers just considered groupies?

16. Is the term “co-ed” sexist? We only use it to refer to women.

17. So Mel Gibson acts a fool and uses racial slurs but this time it’s directed at black people. But can you really say that he will lose any fans this time around? I mean if you stuck with him after he slighted the Jews then aren’t you kind of with him for life? Is the N-word really going to put you over the top? Who is this group of people who are racist against Jews but shocked by racism against blacks? Other than the Nation of Islam I can’t think of one group who has this agenda. And he beats his baby momma. Stop me when I’ve said something that surprises you in the least. What is the difference between Mel Gibson and any other racist redneck other than he directed Apocolypto?

18. Also, isn’t the worst thing you can do to Mel Gibson is become his biggest black fan? He would hate that.

19. I bet there will be a ton of diseases from the cleanup of the oil spill. Just like those workers who got the “cough” at Ground Zero from inhaling noxious fumes. It can’t be good to work on the cleanup crew for this oil spill right?

20. Don’t forget there is a donate button on the right hand side of this page. Please contribute to all this entertainment that I’m providing you with. Even a dollar could help!

1. I was listening to The Insanity Check Podcast the other day and they were talking about reformed domestic violence offenders. If there is a 12 step program for people who are addicts of domestic violence wouldn’t it just be called “pushing her down the stairs”? Actually it would probably depend on how many stories up you were.

2. You know how we worship the founding fathers? What if we had a time machine and brought them back and then they acted like retards because of all the technological advances? Like they would be mystified by the invention of toilets and cars. Things we take for granted like racial equality would completely piss them off.

3. So Montana Fishburne has a porn tape now. Not a sex tape. A porn tape. Big difference. One you get a check up front before filming with a camera crew and the other is done with a handheld and just 2 people in the room. The real question here is why does Montana need a porno name? She goes by “Chippy D” but says she wants the porn tape to make her famous like it did for Kim Kardashian. Isn’t the Fishburne name more famous than “chippy D” right now? I bet Judy from Family Matters is rolling over in her grave.
4. And you know how porn is. They think everything is up for a joke. They will have “Chippy D” doing “Not Pee Wee’s PlayHouse” or “Not The Matrix”

5. After listening to a clip of Wakka Flakka on “Where’s My 40 Acres?” podcast I came up with a new word. “Nignorance” – self explanatory.

6. I love when people hit me up on Twitter and let me know exactly what lines they thought were funny from the podcast. I’m always like, “Yeah I did say that. It was funny! That is right!”

7. This debate about the mosque being built a couple of blocks away from where the towers fell on 9/11 is really opening my eyes. I thought we were fighting radical terrorist that used the Islamic religion as a weapon. But the way people (even some of my friends) are reacting to this news I realize now that they’ve always seen it as a war against Muslims over all. That saddens me.

8. When I see a cute woman working the drive through window I wonder “what went wrong in her life?” That’s messed up man. If you extrapolate that out then what I’m really saying is that it’s okay for ugly people to have minimum wage jobs.

9. Another Montana Fishburne thought: Isn’t every person in porn someone’s “Chippy D”? We only care because she’s famous and deep down we feel that porn is a career field that only acceptable for people without other options. We still have a view that porn is exploitation of the poor and abused people even thought in 2010 it’s more of a get money quick move than anything else. We don’t truly respect a woman’s sexual independence or right to do what she wants with her body. Amazing isn’t it? And that’s not even getting into the fact that we never feel the men in porn have any sort of mental or physical abuse they are acting out against. Maybe we are the ones who are fucked up in the game.

10. So you can catch more flies with honey than shit? First of all I don’t believe that. Secondly, who sees a fly and WANTS to keep it around? And lastly… who is the person who conducted this test?

11. I don’t cry cause I’m sad. I cry because I have allergies. I’m allergic to emotions.

Flux Capacitor Anyone?

1. I don’t want to time travel but I do want people to think that I’m working on time traveling. So here is a cheap way to give the impression that you’re trying to travel through time. Walk up to one of your friends and shake them around the shoulders and ask them “What’s today’s date?” Then ask them for the year. And when they tell you it’s 2010. You say, “It didn’t work!” and storm off.

You Can’t Even Eat This

2. The people who “settled” (i.e. stole) America were of the same culture that spawned the current climate of that we live in. It’s because of our roots that we’re wasteful and we constantly live in the moment. I wonder if that means when the settlers got here they were just killing all kinds of helpless animals just for shit’s sake. For some reason the idea of buffalo and bald eagles being killed for no reason other than target practice or to pass the time made me giggle. How casually did we end up driving these animals to extinction or endangerment without a second thought.

Do You Take Rain Checks?

3. You know how people always bring up the classic “indecent proposal” question with relationships? If someone gave you a million dollars would you or your mate sleep with them for 24 hours and then go back to normal but with a million bucks in tow? What if that scenario happened but instead of just getting all million dollars the guy or girl could only pay you a little bit at a time? That would suck. I guess the idea here is that a lump sum of money seems more appealing and promises to fix all your problems but a constant trickle of money that you constantly have to harass someone for, would probably cause you to break up. Just a thought.

The Good Old Days Huh?

4. Any time someone starts a sentence with “back in the day” the next thing out their mouth is probably going to be a lie. “Back in the day when you approached a woman she knew to take you seriously.” “Back in the day when you could pray in schools kids were better behaved.”

So I have to tell 3 people what a first down is?

5. Someone needs to create an online course to teach single women about football. It would save men a ton of time during games.

And You Wonder Why Caradine Did It?

6. If you think about it the game “hang man” is a pretty fucking morbid. I mean this guy doesn’t even get a trial? His entire fate is put up as the stakes in a game of guessing letters? How is that fair? What about his stick family? How many innocent stick men have died in the imaginations of little kids? I always felt sad about that game when I was a child. “Hey, I’m bored! Let’s pretend to kill someone!”

You Can’t See Me

7. My magical headphones make me invisible to social interaction around my office. But I think they are starting to wear off.

Hmm… not yet…

8. How many shapes of objects did the Klan go through before deciding on the cross? Were they burning circles and triangles first? Did these other things not strike enough fear? Maybe the other objects were just too cumbersome to load onto the back of a horse. I wonder if some guy who owned a big wooden cross store came up with the idea of the Klan just to sell his overstock.

Giggity

9. How to cheat on your wife and get away with it:
A. Go out and buy a wig and some lingerie
B. Make reservations at a nice restaurant
C. Put on a suit
D. Tell your wife to put on the wig and nice clothes with the underwear on underneath
E. Call her a different name at the restaurant and in the car
F. Have sex

Why Yes You Can

10. Can I buy a personalized Plaxico jersey with his prison number on it?

Everything That Tips?

11. Kriss from The Insanity Check podcast told me that I might have to buy all the domain names similar to “The Black Guy Who Tips”. I was thinking about that and I don’t think I can do this. The title of our podcast plays on racial stereotypes. Would I have to buy “The Black Guy Who Reads” and “The Black Guy Who Raises His Kids” too? I don’t think so.

12. I really hope heaven’s invitations has a “Plus 1” policy. Maybe I can get in on my wife’s guest pass.

First things first, you need to go HERE to understand the satire you’re about to read.

1. They Love Animals – white women will not only kiss you on the mouth but they will also kiss your dog on the mouth. While many black women don’t want to own a pet unless they are going to use it for dog fighting, white women will welcome animals of all kinds with open arms. The fact that she is receptive to dealing with your black ass means that she’s already willing to let a savage animal in her house.

2. They Are More Secure – It’s hard to cheat on a black woman. They want an unrealistic relationship based on made up words like “respect” and “monogamy”. Black women are intimidating because of all of their education and Destiny’s Child music collections. Black women see cheating as lazy, disrespectful and disgusting. In the white culture this is just considered an “open relationship”. This is why they love to give oral sex. It’s not demeaning to them in any way. White women love to give oral sex like black women hate to go to the gym. Look it up! It’s in books and stuff!

3. Fear of A Black Planet – You can’t pull out the “because I’m black!” argument on a black woman when she ask you why you didn’t even attempt to apply for a job today after sitting on the couch playing NBA 2k10 while she was at work. When she walks in the house and smells the liquor on your breath and the faint scent of weed in the air and says, “Tyrone! Really? You didn’t even log onto the jobs.com account I created for you?” You can just look her in the face and say, “Cause I’m black okay? Is that what you want to hear?!” Things like this will keep you from having to watch the movie “Precious” or attending church when football is on.

4. They Give You More Credit – Brothers, we all know after years of dating black women and ruining their credit that it’s very constricting. I mean how can I expect to get the new Lebron James shoes AND the Kinect add on for my Xbox 360 on a $500 credit card in my girl’s name? It’s damned near impossible. That’s why you have to use the sistas for a gateway to getting on a white woman’s credit line. If she tries to deny you all you have to do is go back to reason number 3 and play the race card. “Oh so I’m good enough for your bed but not your bank account!?! Cause I’m black!” Black women are always checking their statements and questioning you about unauthorized charges and stuff. Who needs that stress? And of course all brothers know that the fatter the white woman the fatter the wallet.

5. They Have Good Family Backgrounds – A recent survey I conducted among my friends scientifically proved that 0% of white women have children out of wedlock. While stereotypes I gained by watching BET say that 99% of black women have multiple kids out of wedlock and 100% have at least 1 child out of wedlock. Further research on the documentary show Maury went deeper into the problem showing that only 1 in 3 black women are correct when choosing who the father of their child is. Even though 100% of these women claimed to be certain. Hard to argue with science right?

6. White Women Are Book Smart – I know that statistics show that many black women graduate from college. Many will even tell you that they read often but what are they reading? Old issues of Jet while waiting to get their hair “did”? Or maybe they are reading the latest book by Steven Harvey on why they just can’t find a man and how it’s their own entire fault. White women are always reading things that educate them so that they may better your life. Meanwhile sisters are street smart but how is that going to help you when applying for a home loan? Have street smarts ever improved your credit score?

7. They Aren’t Worried About Being Independent – Because white women always have fathers and never ever come from broken homes all of them always value having a man in their lives. You don’t even have to be a good man because they are just happy to have any sort of black man. While any date with a black woman will deteriorate into listening to a list of their accomplishments without a man. Look if I want to watch a black woman eat food while masturbating to her own resume I’ll watch Oprah.

8. They Are Okay With Thugs – White women are always looking for ways to stand out from the crowd and rebel against their upbringing. What better way for them to prove how cool they are than by bringing home a tatted up ex con for Thanksgiving with the folks. I know the dinner will be awkward but trust me, her family’s hatred of you only makes her love stronger. She doesn’t mind you staying up till 3 am playing Scarface with the volume loud enough to wake the neighbors. Hell, she’ll even come down and answer the door when the cops come by to investigate