1. I want to invent something called “6, Hour Energy Drinksâ€. I know what you’re thinking, “Someone already invented that Rod!†Go back and re-read that. See the comma? It’s 6 separate one hour energy drinks instead of one drink that last for 5 hours. It’s brilliant right? You get a whole 6 pack for the same price as one 5 hour energy drink!
2. So the owner of the Segway died by falling off a cliff to his death while riding a Segway? I don’t believe it. It’s either the laziest suicide of all time or my fears have come true. Segways have become sentient and turned on their masters. This is how the plot to terminator begins. This is the perfect murder. Well other than my “training a monkey to kill†murder plan that I came up with after listening to “The Morning Jones†today.
3. I keep seeing commercials about how texting while driving is leading people to dying in car accidents. Then they show the text they were reading at the time of death and it’s always something really boring like, “yeah†or “coolâ€. Well I’m not saying any text is worth dying for but isn’t that out of context? I’d like to see the whole conversation. Also what if the text was really clever and funny. Would that be worth dying for?
4. I never got into the game “Clue†and I think I know why. It’s a cultural thing. Most black people don’t even grow up playing that game. I think it’s because it’s unbelievable that someone would have that many rooms and items. You killed someone in a foyer? What is a foyer? I didn’t know what a foyer was until I was grown. I thought “libraries†were buildings with books not a room upstairs in the house.
5. I wonder if there is a secret room in the bank for rich people where they can go into the back and roll around in their money like Scrooge McDuck. Like you just roll around back there for a couple of minutes and then walk out like nothing happened. It can be called a the “Glory Roll†room.
6. You might be moving into the hood if your neighbors are doing inventory of your electronics as you move in. “Hey man… was that 2 big screen flat panel TVs? I have you down for 2.â€
7. I’m not even mad at Brett Favre. I’m just impressed he can operate a camera phone at 42 years old. Also who would’ve thought you could fit a camera phone in the back pocket of a pair of Wranglers? Not me.
8. I love how every article on relationship advice always starts off with the author telling you that they are in a relationship. As if that is validation for anything. Do you know how easy it is to be in a relationship? It’s not impressive at all. A few clicks on your Facebook page can change the status of your relationship drastically. With the high failure rate of relationships I highly doubt anyone should consider themselves an “expert†at anything other than the ONE relationship they are capable of maintaining at the time.
9. A friend of mine told me that her s/o cheated on her but not physically. What other way is there to cheat? Was it financially? In an alternate dimension? Did they time travel to the future?
10. Is it okay to root for the villain in “Enough†because we all know J-Lo is a horrible person in real life?
11. Well it took me 32 years but I totally realized the sexual innuendo in the food items, “Banana Pudding†and “Banana Nut Bread†and I will no longer able to say these without at the very least smiling uncomfortably.
12. Unstoppable puts the “Train†back in “Training Dayâ€.
