Take the phone off “speaker” please…

One part water and two parts crack… sounds good.

1. Stores hire security guards. Is there any way that people with fragile egos could hire “insecurity guards”? That way I’d never have to deal with your bullshit. Before I get ready to make a joke or observation about whatever it is that you’re sensitive about an “Insecurity guard” could step in and warn me with his flashlight.

2. I’ve never ordered a “flavor bowl” from KFC or Bojangles. I know slavery food when I see it. It’s basically the leftovers from all the other product they can’t sell individually thrown in a mash up and gravy is poured all over that crap. Every time someone orders that stuff they should have to speak in slave English. I’m going to just start calling them “Slaver Bowls”.

3. I’m fat. Now that we’ve got that out the way let me tell you about this epiphany I had. As you know KFC came out with the Double Down “sandwich” a few weeks ago. Ever since that I’ve been contemplating food and the companies that slang it. Our food is a crack now. Every time you pull up to a drivethru you’re consuming some crack. I can’t help but think that these companies are out to kill us. They know we’re addicted and that we can’t quit so they are just getting worse and worse.

That reminds me of the financial crisis. The reason we’re in this crisis is because of shady “tools” that were used to bet on stocks without actually creating any money. The deregulation of the financial industry happened through lobbying for political favors. Laws were repealed or relaxed and now we’re screwed. Well how is that different than the “double down”? Food has just gotten worse and shadier over the past 20 years while the country has gotten fatter and fatter. It’s the same damned thing as the financial crisis. We’re in a food crisis.

4. I think I piss people off with the way I talk sometimes. I use words for accuracy’s sake without regard to the emotional attachments that some people have to those words. I said that the newest Arizona law was “profiling and harassment” but before I could actually say how I felt about it Darric cut me off. It’s like he was going to defend the fact that it was necessary to profile people for this law to be implemented. My point wasn’t if it was right or wrong it was simply that this law is the definition of those two terms if you’re just a law abiding American citizen who gets pulled over on suspicion of being illegal. That being said I think I’m for this bill because I want to see what happens. Let’s find out who’s right on a trial basis before trying to do this nationally. We need some test runs at the state level. That’s how our system should work.

5. I’m going to start defending athletes who are accused of committing outlandish crimes by citing their on the field accolades.
A. Did you hear LT raped someone? “What? Nah man. He’s a hall of famer!”
B. “How could Tiger cheat on his wife man? He won the masters! He’s innocent.”

6. Putting toothpaste on your vagina doesn’t prevent pregnancy or disease. That’s a different type of “cavity protection”.

7. I want to invent an “ex-cersize” class. It’s a work out class at a gym where we bring your ex-lovers by to look at you. It would be great motivation to get in shape and stay in shape while gloating. Everyone likes to look better than their ex-lovers right?

8. Stephen Hawking – inventor of auto-tunes.

9. Between Big Ben and LT it’s really getting to the point where you can’t rape ANYONE these days. Jeez!

10. I’m not a fan of Andy Rooney. He’s out of touch and old. That being said, I think I would be willing to watch a TV show where Andy Rooney played the role of a judge like, “Judge Judy”. I’d just like to hear him go on rhetorical rants while the people on trial would wait impatiently for him to get on with his ruling. How could this not work?

11. The other day the spell check on my iPhone corrected a typo to “strike”. So instead of “Can I stroke them titties?” which is funny and honest it became, “Can I strike them titties?” which is a abusive and ridiculous. The worst part is that the answer was yes. Am I in a relationship with a masochist and I just discovered it? Or did she already know it was a typo? Only one way to find out….

12. I want to create a show called, “To Catch A Creditor” where people who owe money to credit cards can find the employee who calls their house during dinner to harass them about money owed. It’s not nearly as honorable as Chris Hansen’s show but it does rhyme.

13. June is officially Sundress month! Ladies… get to shopping!

This blog post was inspired by a conversation with @Terrysboy on Twitter. Donald Glover has started his own grass roots campaign to be cast as the role of Peter Parker in the next Spider-man movie. Spider-man 4 is rumored to be a relaunch of the series. They want to start over again with Peter in high school and take a few chances with the script since the actors and director from the previous movies want nothing to do with the franchise any more.

I don’t think a black Spider-man would work. I was content to just leave it there but my Twitter friend @Terryboy bombarded me with replies on this subject so I think I should do him justice with a well explained retort. I don’t expect to change anyone’s mind on this because people already seem to have their minds made up, but I would like a chance to give my rationale.

Peter Parker as the character is currently written is a masterpiece when it comes to the American experience. A poor kid from Queens who is a genius level science student raised by his widowed Aunt seems like it could be the stereotypical background for a black character. That’s where any similarities end. This isn’t a story of a kid who pulls himself up by his bootstraps to show the reader what it takes to be a success.

This is the story of a guy who never harnesses his potential in real life but reaps all the benefits anyways. He dates and marries the most famous super model on the planet. Gets a cushy gig at the Daily Bugle taking pictures of himself fighting bad guys while being a continual fuck-up at work. He’s chronically late to everything and totally blows off his entire cast of friends to pursue crime fighting. His best friend is the son of a billionaire who still hangs with Peter’s broke ass like he’s family. Oh and in-between all of this he manages to get the best science internships in the city on a consistent basis. Things just have a way of working out for Pete at every turn.

Peter Parker is the ultimate example of white privilege. You can’t just throw a brother in that role and make any of this believable. At every turn you buy Peter’s improbable luck because you can still picture people taking a chance on him. His story is just appealing enough and his face is just familiar enough that people constantly invest in him. That’s the key to his entire existence.

The last thing and well, probably the most important thing is this; I don’t trust Hollywood to do this movie correctly with a black star. I think you’d see a lot more references to race and stereotypes in the comedic turns of the script because that would be the entire hook this movie is predicated upon. I don’t want race and superhero comic book stuff to mix unless it’s pertinent to the plot. Why not make Batman gay? What about an Asian Superman? How about a movie where the Punisher is 400lbs of fat?

Stop messing with excellent premises in the name of a gimmick. Comics endure for decades because the source material is so well done. You can’t just insert race, sex or religion abruptly into a character’s origin story just to “spice it up” and expect me to roll with that. The only way it could work is to make this casting not about race at all but that would defeat the entire purpose of this “hook” gimmick they are using to relaunch this series. Now if you can find a reasonable way to make this relevant to the script and not besmirch the original storyline… I would consider it. The odds of Hollywood doing that? Zero. So how about this; let’s get the story correct this time. Instead of adding more elements for the movie industry to completely fuck up let’s get the key details of the current stories right.

Why is Wolverine leaving the Weapon X program in an afternoon? Why does Deadpool become an amalgamation of CG special effects and only has 2 speaking lines in the script? Why is Venom in Spider-man 3 for all of 25 minutes? It’s because guys like @Terrysboy (No disrespect) had similar thoughts about cavalierly changing the source material instead of delving into the minutia of the original storylines that made these franchises long-standing pillars of American mythology.

Now if you don’t mind I have to read some more of this new Batman series where he’s doing crime fighting in a wheelchair. Peace.

1. On the podcast we talked about “Eye balling” a technique where college students in take alcohol through pouring it into their eye sockets. Supposedly you get drunk faster even though they normally don’t do this until they are already hammered. What’s next? Liqour IV’s?

2. There is no better determination between the separation of racial culture than listening to two white dudes discuss how awesome “Jackass: The Movie” was to them. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never figure ya’ll out.

3. I guess John Travolta’s dogs finally reached their final destination.

4. I order this pizza from Brixx Brick Over Pizzaria up the street. It’s have American Style and have Mexican. I call it the NAFTA Pizza

5. How is crippling depression not an insult to people who are actually legitimately handicapped? I’m so sad that it’s like being like you, with your inability to walk or missing limbs or what not. It makes no sense. You never hear someone say I have “retarded sadness” or I was in a “handicapped amount of pain”.

6. Since BP is taking everyone’s suggestions about how to clean up the oil spill I’d like to add my own. My idea comes from the era of the Jheri Curl. How did your grandmother keep all that Jherri Curl juice off the couch? It’s easy just encase the ocean in plastic!

7. I want to become a relationship advice columnist that only gives out advice for abusive relationships. My advice would always be short and say stuff like, “Put some ice on it” or “Don’t go outside for a couple days and call in sick to work.”

8. Instead of prescription drugs people should be getting subscription drugs. They would come in the mail monthly. You just sign up for it like a magazine and send in a check. Then you can just renew annually if you dislike the drugs. Why wouldn’t this work?

9. Murphy Lee had a point. What will the chorus consist of?

10. You know how some animals in nature are more brightly colored than others? It normally means they are dangerous or poisonous? Well that’s how I feel about clothing or care accessories with Dixie flags on them. It’s like humanity’s way of identifying are most volatile members.

11. I was on The Insanity Check Podcast a couple of days ago and we decided that companies should be able to put “KKK” or confederate flags on the outside of their business to let you know that black people aren’t welcomed. I agreed at the time but then I had a nightmare. What if some of the places I love to go are secretly racist? What if Bojangles chicken put a confederate flag outside their establishment? I’d have to burn the city down!

12. Why does it seem like soldiers in the old days knew how to write a letter better than current soldiers? “Dears Celeste to gaze upon your countenance once again would be divine.”

13. Rick Ross is like Lance Armstrong. I believe everything he has to say until he stops talking. WTF man…?

14. Who came up with the term “laugh riot”? What exactly is that? Has anything ever been so funny that it turned an audience into a violent mob of lunatics? Maybe black people didn’t find the Rodney King footage outrageous but instead found it so hilarious that they decided to burn down all the Korean owned stores in Compton.

15. Why aren’t there any “player lovers”? Or are player lovers just considered groupies?

16. Is the term “co-ed” sexist? We only use it to refer to women.

17. So Mel Gibson acts a fool and uses racial slurs but this time it’s directed at black people. But can you really say that he will lose any fans this time around? I mean if you stuck with him after he slighted the Jews then aren’t you kind of with him for life? Is the N-word really going to put you over the top? Who is this group of people who are racist against Jews but shocked by racism against blacks? Other than the Nation of Islam I can’t think of one group who has this agenda. And he beats his baby momma. Stop me when I’ve said something that surprises you in the least. What is the difference between Mel Gibson and any other racist redneck other than he directed Apocolypto?

18. Also, isn’t the worst thing you can do to Mel Gibson is become his biggest black fan? He would hate that.

19. I bet there will be a ton of diseases from the cleanup of the oil spill. Just like those workers who got the “cough” at Ground Zero from inhaling noxious fumes. It can’t be good to work on the cleanup crew for this oil spill right?

20. Don’t forget there is a donate button on the right hand side of this page. Please contribute to all this entertainment that I’m providing you with. Even a dollar could help!