1. I was listening to The Insanity Check Podcast the other day and they were talking about reformed domestic violence offenders. If there is a 12 step program for people who are addicts of domestic violence wouldn’t it just be called “pushing her down the stairs”? Actually it would probably depend on how many stories up you were.

2. You know how we worship the founding fathers? What if we had a time machine and brought them back and then they acted like retards because of all the technological advances? Like they would be mystified by the invention of toilets and cars. Things we take for granted like racial equality would completely piss them off.

3. So Montana Fishburne has a porn tape now. Not a sex tape. A porn tape. Big difference. One you get a check up front before filming with a camera crew and the other is done with a handheld and just 2 people in the room. The real question here is why does Montana need a porno name? She goes by “Chippy D” but says she wants the porn tape to make her famous like it did for Kim Kardashian. Isn’t the Fishburne name more famous than “chippy D” right now? I bet Judy from Family Matters is rolling over in her grave.
4. And you know how porn is. They think everything is up for a joke. They will have “Chippy D” doing “Not Pee Wee’s PlayHouse” or “Not The Matrix”

5. After listening to a clip of Wakka Flakka on “Where’s My 40 Acres?” podcast I came up with a new word. “Nignorance” – self explanatory.

6. I love when people hit me up on Twitter and let me know exactly what lines they thought were funny from the podcast. I’m always like, “Yeah I did say that. It was funny! That is right!”

7. This debate about the mosque being built a couple of blocks away from where the towers fell on 9/11 is really opening my eyes. I thought we were fighting radical terrorist that used the Islamic religion as a weapon. But the way people (even some of my friends) are reacting to this news I realize now that they’ve always seen it as a war against Muslims over all. That saddens me.

8. When I see a cute woman working the drive through window I wonder “what went wrong in her life?” That’s messed up man. If you extrapolate that out then what I’m really saying is that it’s okay for ugly people to have minimum wage jobs.

9. Another Montana Fishburne thought: Isn’t every person in porn someone’s “Chippy D”? We only care because she’s famous and deep down we feel that porn is a career field that only acceptable for people without other options. We still have a view that porn is exploitation of the poor and abused people even thought in 2010 it’s more of a get money quick move than anything else. We don’t truly respect a woman’s sexual independence or right to do what she wants with her body. Amazing isn’t it? And that’s not even getting into the fact that we never feel the men in porn have any sort of mental or physical abuse they are acting out against. Maybe we are the ones who are fucked up in the game.

10. So you can catch more flies with honey than shit? First of all I don’t believe that. Secondly, who sees a fly and WANTS to keep it around? And lastly… who is the person who conducted this test?

11. I don’t cry cause I’m sad. I cry because I have allergies. I’m allergic to emotions.

Flux Capacitor Anyone?

1. I don’t want to time travel but I do want people to think that I’m working on time traveling. So here is a cheap way to give the impression that you’re trying to travel through time. Walk up to one of your friends and shake them around the shoulders and ask them “What’s today’s date?” Then ask them for the year. And when they tell you it’s 2010. You say, “It didn’t work!” and storm off.

You Can’t Even Eat This

2. The people who “settled” (i.e. stole) America were of the same culture that spawned the current climate of that we live in. It’s because of our roots that we’re wasteful and we constantly live in the moment. I wonder if that means when the settlers got here they were just killing all kinds of helpless animals just for shit’s sake. For some reason the idea of buffalo and bald eagles being killed for no reason other than target practice or to pass the time made me giggle. How casually did we end up driving these animals to extinction or endangerment without a second thought.

Do You Take Rain Checks?

3. You know how people always bring up the classic “indecent proposal” question with relationships? If someone gave you a million dollars would you or your mate sleep with them for 24 hours and then go back to normal but with a million bucks in tow? What if that scenario happened but instead of just getting all million dollars the guy or girl could only pay you a little bit at a time? That would suck. I guess the idea here is that a lump sum of money seems more appealing and promises to fix all your problems but a constant trickle of money that you constantly have to harass someone for, would probably cause you to break up. Just a thought.

The Good Old Days Huh?

4. Any time someone starts a sentence with “back in the day” the next thing out their mouth is probably going to be a lie. “Back in the day when you approached a woman she knew to take you seriously.” “Back in the day when you could pray in schools kids were better behaved.”

So I have to tell 3 people what a first down is?

5. Someone needs to create an online course to teach single women about football. It would save men a ton of time during games.

And You Wonder Why Caradine Did It?

6. If you think about it the game “hang man” is a pretty fucking morbid. I mean this guy doesn’t even get a trial? His entire fate is put up as the stakes in a game of guessing letters? How is that fair? What about his stick family? How many innocent stick men have died in the imaginations of little kids? I always felt sad about that game when I was a child. “Hey, I’m bored! Let’s pretend to kill someone!”

You Can’t See Me

7. My magical headphones make me invisible to social interaction around my office. But I think they are starting to wear off.

Hmm… not yet…

8. How many shapes of objects did the Klan go through before deciding on the cross? Were they burning circles and triangles first? Did these other things not strike enough fear? Maybe the other objects were just too cumbersome to load onto the back of a horse. I wonder if some guy who owned a big wooden cross store came up with the idea of the Klan just to sell his overstock.

Giggity

9. How to cheat on your wife and get away with it:
A. Go out and buy a wig and some lingerie
B. Make reservations at a nice restaurant
C. Put on a suit
D. Tell your wife to put on the wig and nice clothes with the underwear on underneath
E. Call her a different name at the restaurant and in the car
F. Have sex

Why Yes You Can

10. Can I buy a personalized Plaxico jersey with his prison number on it?

Everything That Tips?

11. Kriss from The Insanity Check podcast told me that I might have to buy all the domain names similar to “The Black Guy Who Tips”. I was thinking about that and I don’t think I can do this. The title of our podcast plays on racial stereotypes. Would I have to buy “The Black Guy Who Reads” and “The Black Guy Who Raises His Kids” too? I don’t think so.

12. I really hope heaven’s invitations has a “Plus 1” policy. Maybe I can get in on my wife’s guest pass.

First things first, you need to go HERE to understand the satire you’re about to read.

1. They Love Animals – white women will not only kiss you on the mouth but they will also kiss your dog on the mouth. While many black women don’t want to own a pet unless they are going to use it for dog fighting, white women will welcome animals of all kinds with open arms. The fact that she is receptive to dealing with your black ass means that she’s already willing to let a savage animal in her house.

2. They Are More Secure – It’s hard to cheat on a black woman. They want an unrealistic relationship based on made up words like “respect” and “monogamy”. Black women are intimidating because of all of their education and Destiny’s Child music collections. Black women see cheating as lazy, disrespectful and disgusting. In the white culture this is just considered an “open relationship”. This is why they love to give oral sex. It’s not demeaning to them in any way. White women love to give oral sex like black women hate to go to the gym. Look it up! It’s in books and stuff!

3. Fear of A Black Planet – You can’t pull out the “because I’m black!” argument on a black woman when she ask you why you didn’t even attempt to apply for a job today after sitting on the couch playing NBA 2k10 while she was at work. When she walks in the house and smells the liquor on your breath and the faint scent of weed in the air and says, “Tyrone! Really? You didn’t even log onto the jobs.com account I created for you?” You can just look her in the face and say, “Cause I’m black okay? Is that what you want to hear?!” Things like this will keep you from having to watch the movie “Precious” or attending church when football is on.

4. They Give You More Credit – Brothers, we all know after years of dating black women and ruining their credit that it’s very constricting. I mean how can I expect to get the new Lebron James shoes AND the Kinect add on for my Xbox 360 on a $500 credit card in my girl’s name? It’s damned near impossible. That’s why you have to use the sistas for a gateway to getting on a white woman’s credit line. If she tries to deny you all you have to do is go back to reason number 3 and play the race card. “Oh so I’m good enough for your bed but not your bank account!?! Cause I’m black!” Black women are always checking their statements and questioning you about unauthorized charges and stuff. Who needs that stress? And of course all brothers know that the fatter the white woman the fatter the wallet.

5. They Have Good Family Backgrounds – A recent survey I conducted among my friends scientifically proved that 0% of white women have children out of wedlock. While stereotypes I gained by watching BET say that 99% of black women have multiple kids out of wedlock and 100% have at least 1 child out of wedlock. Further research on the documentary show Maury went deeper into the problem showing that only 1 in 3 black women are correct when choosing who the father of their child is. Even though 100% of these women claimed to be certain. Hard to argue with science right?

6. White Women Are Book Smart – I know that statistics show that many black women graduate from college. Many will even tell you that they read often but what are they reading? Old issues of Jet while waiting to get their hair “did”? Or maybe they are reading the latest book by Steven Harvey on why they just can’t find a man and how it’s their own entire fault. White women are always reading things that educate them so that they may better your life. Meanwhile sisters are street smart but how is that going to help you when applying for a home loan? Have street smarts ever improved your credit score?

7. They Aren’t Worried About Being Independent – Because white women always have fathers and never ever come from broken homes all of them always value having a man in their lives. You don’t even have to be a good man because they are just happy to have any sort of black man. While any date with a black woman will deteriorate into listening to a list of their accomplishments without a man. Look if I want to watch a black woman eat food while masturbating to her own resume I’ll watch Oprah.

8. They Are Okay With Thugs – White women are always looking for ways to stand out from the crowd and rebel against their upbringing. What better way for them to prove how cool they are than by bringing home a tatted up ex con for Thanksgiving with the folks. I know the dinner will be awkward but trust me, her family’s hatred of you only makes her love stronger. She doesn’t mind you staying up till 3 am playing Scarface with the volume loud enough to wake the neighbors. Hell, she’ll even come down and answer the door when the cops come by to investigate

1. I want to invent something called “6, Hour Energy Drinks”. I know what you’re thinking, “Someone already invented that Rod!” Go back and re-read that. See the comma? It’s 6 separate one hour energy drinks instead of one drink that last for 5 hours. It’s brilliant right? You get a whole 6 pack for the same price as one 5 hour energy drink!

2. So the owner of the Segway died by falling off a cliff to his death while riding a Segway? I don’t believe it. It’s either the laziest suicide of all time or my fears have come true. Segways have become sentient and turned on their masters. This is how the plot to terminator begins. This is the perfect murder. Well other than my “training a monkey to kill” murder plan that I came up with after listening to “The Morning Jones” today.

3. I keep seeing commercials about how texting while driving is leading people to dying in car accidents. Then they show the text they were reading at the time of death and it’s always something really boring like, “yeah” or “cool”. Well I’m not saying any text is worth dying for but isn’t that out of context? I’d like to see the whole conversation. Also what if the text was really clever and funny. Would that be worth dying for?

4. I never got into the game “Clue” and I think I know why. It’s a cultural thing. Most black people don’t even grow up playing that game. I think it’s because it’s unbelievable that someone would have that many rooms and items. You killed someone in a foyer? What is a foyer? I didn’t know what a foyer was until I was grown. I thought “libraries” were buildings with books not a room upstairs in the house.

5. I wonder if there is a secret room in the bank for rich people where they can go into the back and roll around in their money like Scrooge McDuck. Like you just roll around back there for a couple of minutes and then walk out like nothing happened. It can be called a the “Glory Roll” room.

6. You might be moving into the hood if your neighbors are doing inventory of your electronics as you move in. “Hey man… was that 2 big screen flat panel TVs? I have you down for 2.”

7. I’m not even mad at Brett Favre. I’m just impressed he can operate a camera phone at 42 years old. Also who would’ve thought you could fit a camera phone in the back pocket of a pair of Wranglers? Not me.

8. I love how every article on relationship advice always starts off with the author telling you that they are in a relationship. As if that is validation for anything. Do you know how easy it is to be in a relationship? It’s not impressive at all. A few clicks on your Facebook page can change the status of your relationship drastically. With the high failure rate of relationships I highly doubt anyone should consider themselves an “expert” at anything other than the ONE relationship they are capable of maintaining at the time.

9. A friend of mine told me that her s/o cheated on her but not physically. What other way is there to cheat? Was it financially? In an alternate dimension? Did they time travel to the future?

10. Is it okay to root for the villain in “Enough” because we all know J-Lo is a horrible person in real life?

11. Well it took me 32 years but I totally realized the sexual innuendo in the food items, “Banana Pudding” and “Banana Nut Bread” and I will no longer able to say these without at the very least smiling uncomfortably.

12. Unstoppable puts the “Train” back in “Training Day”.