Category: Blog Post (Page 13 of 16)

I Think We Should See Other People

• Love – All relationships start over at zero on the first day of the Zombie Apocalypse. The new wedding vows will be “until circumstances do us part”. Too many times have I seen people cave at the thought of leaving a loved one to fend for themselves. Well that’s too bad. Now that the zombies are here everyone is a stranger to me. This includes family, friends and marriages. And don’t think that I believe I’m special. I assume EVERYONE is going to do the same thing. Well, everyone who will survive the Zombie Apocalypse that is.

I Half Want This Kid To Die RIGHT NOW anyways!

• People Who Have A Hard Time Following Instructions – This includes many groups of people, small children, stubborn old people, racist, feminist and many many more. Debate becomes all but useless in a life or death situation. And if I’m holding a door open for you to escape a horde of zombies the last thing I need to hear is “I can hold the door for myself. You think because I’m a woman I need you to…” SLAM!

Survival of the Fittest

• Sickly People – There is no getting sick in a zombie attack. A trip to the pharmacy is pointless when neither you nor I know what we’re looking for unless it’s Theraflu. And Theraflu should already be packed in your “go bag” anyway so what are we waiting on? We’re not going to be raiding doctors offices for Asthma medicine and insulin okay?

30 Seconds or Less

• Long Goodbyes – So say one of the crew gets bitten and now as they’re slowly devolving into a brain eater they want to discuss the entirety of their life and pass down lessons… wrong time. Wrap it up B! Suddenly mid-sentence I’m starting to look a lot less like Rod and more and more like a snack. If you get bitten you are dead already as far as I’m concerned. I’m shooting all bite victims immediately.

There Isn't Any Time For Mind Games

• People With Hidden Agendas – Hey man, I barely tolerate your crap right now. So don’t come to me with secret agendas and ulterior motives. The time for subterfuge is over with. We need to keep everything on the up and up. If you take a detour in the middle of supply run to go get an engagement ring from an abandon strip mall … I’m shooting you. And when I get back I’m telling everyone the zombies ate you. Word life.

This Isn't Thriller Or A Flash Mob

• Large Groups Of People – You see potential friends and I see potential zombies who are already within my personal space. I need a small mobile group who can fend for themselves and leave things promptly. Large groups need large rations, large space to stay and have many varied motivations. I need a few people armed to the teeth and ready to roll on a moment’s notice. Goodbye Facebook friends only my Myspace top 5 are coming with me on this trip.

No Need For Two Of Us To Fall Ya Dig?

• Compassionate People – We have limited resources and we’re in a dire situation. The last time I need to be thinking about is “Where did half of our water go?”, because you decided to run off and give a thirsty family of kittens a drink. In our travels we’re going to walk right by many people who are in need and we need to do just that … walk right by. Also, I don’t want you having a mental breakdown about the fact that we are now essentially causing brain trauma to things that look like humans. If you’re a PETA member and suddenly want to seek a humane solution to ending the undead please go sign up with Drake’s zombie survivor unit. Some of the undead WILL be former children and I don’t have the time to risk getting bit while you try to debate the morality of the situation. There is no strength in compassion in a zombie apocalypse, compassion is only a weakness. “Oh but what if they save me?” Sounds good right? But what about all the other times they’ll want you to save other people? More mouths to feed, more danger in groups and more potential zombies.

No time to shop. We'll need this.

• People Without Skills – Look, you need some assets out here in the zombie Armageddon. I don’t care if it’s sowing, fishing or growing plants. You need to be able to do something other than complain all day and second guess me and the crew as we get stuff done. I’m giving you the head’s up now so you can learn how to shoot a gun, memorize the layout of major cities, get some CPR training or learn to drive stick. Don’t become zombie fodder because you thought video games were the only important thing in life.

If You Never Raise Them Up You'll Never Have To Put Them Down

• Pets – Yeah I’m sure your dog / cat / fish is the smartest animal in history. I bet it’s practically a “Lassie” level genius but here’s the thing I don’t care about your pet. In the zombie apocalypse all animals go into two groups: edible and transportation. That’s it. So if we can’t strap a saddle to Fido’s back he’s getting roasted over an open fire. All food now starts over at taste level zero. That means it’s not inedible until I taste it. This isn’t “I Am Legend” and Will Smith isn’t walking through that door. If you remember that movie he went insane and wanted to die after his dog was turned into a zombie dog and he had to smother it to death. Do you really want to go through that? Me either. It’s already going to be bad enough when we have to kill other humans for doing stuff that endangers the group now you want to add animals to that mix? I don’t need your dog running off after a squirrel or barking at an ant while zombies are lurking through the hallways.

You Guys Go Head I'll Sit This One Out

• Lazy People – This differs from people who are smart and efficient. I’m specifically talking about the lazy. We’re going to have to start doing a lot of stuff by hand. Stuff like washing clothes, cooking and building fires. We don’t have time for people to act like a member of the Real World who refuses to do dishes because “I don’t do that” or some other pointless complaint. Lazy people aren’t going to want do all of the stuff it takes to survive. They’re going to want to use the generator for air conditioning and watching DVDs. No thanks.

I'm already regretting last night.

1. Pandora was probably just a crazy chick back in ancient Greece and opening her box probably lead to her being all types of ratchet. Subsequently I think all crazy women’s vaginas should be called “Pandora’s Boxes”.

And to think this used to just be a concept.

 
2. Kids have no imagination any more. Everything is already mapped out for them with video games and various other technology. If you ask a kid what “Imagination” is they’ll tell you it’s a editing program made by Sony. Look it up!

#Employed

3. Ladies I wear a size 13 in business shoes. And you know what they say about a man’s business shoes right? He’s got a job.

This is useless now.

4. Why did we spend all that time learning the Dewey Decimal system?

5. The secret ingredient in my recipe to make tender ribs is “let the ribs listen to Drake for 2 hours” before grilling.

Look it up!

6. New Twitter rule if you can figure something out in 10 seconds with the help of Google then don’t ask me! I’m tired of questions like, “what’s the score of the game” sent from a smart phone or laptop computer.

You really gotta hand it to these vaginas.

7. The new Summer’s Eve commercial compares vaginas to hands. Somehow I think men have known this for years.

No thing to say here other than Caramel was the baddest black porn star ever!

8. Who ever came up with “no such thing as a dumb question” obviously didn’t have a Twitter account.

Not nearly as intimidating right?

9. If you think about it Batman’s belt was the only cool “Fanny Pack” in world history. Of course Jack Bauer has the only cool “man-purse” though.

Pain motivates us all.

10. Much like art all good binge eating comes from shame.

Duh

11. Kids are stupid. How do these clown party costumes fool them? Of course that’s not Sponge Bob dummy. Suddenly he and Patrick can’t talk? Really? If he had a sore throat why wouldn’t he just stay home?

Totally just hanging out toddling and stuff.

12. I know we call little kids toddlers but what exactly is toddling? Is it like how hipsters are hip?

Is it the onions or the repressed memories?

13. You ever cut onions and start crying at the same time you realize your uncle molested you? Thank God for those onions…

There is only one step left.

14. First there was planking. That’s where people lay down flat and take a pic of themselves. Now there is “Batmaning” where you hang from an object by your toes. I think the next step in the agenda is to bring back lynching. I’m onto you white people.

You have no depth perception. How will you hit me.

15. In hindsight I see why Snake Plisskin always had such a hard time convincing people he was a bad ass. He had one eye and a perm.

What ever happened to this dude any way?

16. I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “Dieing of AIDS. Please help!” And I wanted to roll the window down and say “Yeah I can help you. You spelled ‘dying’ wrong.”

Okay, it’s time for more stove adventures with me and the listeners to our podcast. Thanks for all of your submissions over the past few days. You can always send us your food pics by emailing theblackguywhotips@gmail.com. Let’s get right into it.

I made lamb loin chops by battering them in panko bread crumbs and baking them in the oven. Then i microwaved a couple of potatoes and wrapped them in foil. After they softened up I opened them up and added some cheese (hey white people) bacon and sour cream. It was so good.

And Karen’s plate

From @InTheBleachers Hand pattied burgers seasoned with red pepper flake, fresh cracked pepper, kosher salt and diced chiles.

@RealAnge with some chicken and rice.

From Andre:

Beef tenderloin strips with a Red wine and tomatoe sauce. Wild rice with apples, raises, and walnuts. Scalloped Potatoes with real Bacon bits. Green beans with mushrooms.

Second is Seafood Pasta with Crab meat, shrimp scallops and smoked salmon to add flavor. Steamed Alaskan Crab Legs seasoned with Seasoned salt and obay

From Joy:

I made Chicken puff onion, garlic, cream cheese inside sweet potato fries zucchini and onion

@Sterling made pancakes with powdered sugar.

From The Inks @Mr_InkInsideMe and @getoffmyplanet Mini burgers!

From Eric: This is a salad that has watermelon, feta cheese, scalions, sliced grape tomatoes, and olive oil

From @Jay_GoShin before and after of Brown Sugar Bourbon marinade steak (pre and post)

@Delphrano in his own words: this is my palomilla with huevos y arroz...which pretty much translates to steak with eggs and rice...this is my favorite breakfast dish. by the way, that's A1 bold and ketchup on the palomilla and the egg is over-easy. I'm Dominican, so this is "normal" for me.

Okay that’s all for now. See you guys next time! Thanks for submitting your food. Real people can cook too!

Okay so the response to this blog series on cooking has been fantastic. Many of you have contributed your own work in the kitchen and I want to encourage you to continue to do so. Haven’t received any pictures that I refuse to post because of poor effort. So before we get into tonight’s blog remember that you can always send your pics of your food to theblackguywhotips@gmail.com and I’ll post them on the blog. I tried doing it with Twitter and Facebook but it’s way too hard to keep up with.

So I made some slow baked pork loin ribs and sauteed mixed veggies. The mixed veggies included two things I’ve never cooked before asparagus and graffiti eggplant. I also put some tomatoes and onions in there. It was so good. I was really shocked because the stir fried veggies were a last second addition. One sidenote I’ve noticed with this cooking experiment I’ve undergone is that I eat less. While I was prepping the food and waiting for it to cook for 2 and a half hours I didn’t want to eat anything that would spoil my appetite. And it was low carb too. Compared to what I would’ve eaten I think I did pretty well. Here are the pics.

The Before Pic

Now for some reader / podcast listener submitted pics.

Submitted by @ThisIsW

Eggs and Bacon submitted by @Phenomblak

It’s a west indian dish and the way he serves it, is either over white rice or on the side of rice & peas.

Submitted by @RealAnge

Mmm baked apple pies! They look delish!

Handmade pizza by @chrislamberth

All by hand? Go Chris! And he assured me it was delicious.

Alright that’s everyone for this round. See you guys next time I cook and take some pics.

Okay, since the last blog about cooking I’ve had some readers and podcast listeners submit their food pics too. To understand why I’m doing this please check out my other blog post HERE.

So I cooked again and now I have some new results and some user submitted pictures below.

And finally

Huh? What do you think? Some people questioned the bacon being done but trust me it was done. I don’t like it crispy.

Now on to some user submitted pics.

Steak and baked beans by @Grundyman517

This is from Gabby @MindOfGabrielle and she says:

This is my favorite eggplant and chicken dish cooked down in a spicy and yummy Ethiopian berbere sauce. Soooo good!! 🙂 The pic is before the eggplant totally cooks down and melds with the yummy boneless chicken breast pieces.

And Gabby submitted this one too.

Sauteed chicken breast with black beans and asparagus.

I know how it looks but I didn't use the Waffler to make the chicken. I swear I didn't.

I’d like to thank KanYeBreast on Twitter for inspiring this idea. She’s a hilarious follow and a renown cook on the interwebs. Check out her appetizing blog here for humor and delicious recipes. Another good foodie is Elon James White (who’s been on the podcast before) and you can check out his food blog here.  Now after viewing those blogs you probably feel like the fat guy in the gym. As inspirational as that should be it’s actually a little discouraging. Why even cook at all if you can’t match their skill level? Is there even a chance you’ll ever randomly accidentally perhaps one day cook something that could go to college and graduate to look like one of these items?

No? Me either but what you CAN possibly do is make something similar or better than my concoction above. It’s a split chicken breast that was marinated for 3 days in wine and garlic and then grilled outside on the … uh … grill. And the veggies are sauteed chayote squash, yellow sqaush and onions. 24 hours ago I hadn’t ever heard of chayote squash. Anyways I put this on Twitter and openly invited the world to mock my food. And a lot of people definitely got in some good jokes. The chicken was called a frog, Darkwing Duck and a bat. And that’s when I realized MY gift for cooking.

Yeah that’s right “gift”. KanyeBreast and Elon James unintentionally intimidate many of us to keep our food pics off Twitter and our bodies out of the kitchen. Well I think my lack of skill will encourage many people to say “Hey I can do something better than that.” And that’s what I’m about. I believe I will inspire many more people to pick up their neglected kitchen utensils and follow me on my journey to cook for myself.

Cooking for myself is about making healthy choices for me and taking control of my diet. I doubt I’ll ever get to the level of “plating” and preparing food the way the pros do it. I guarantee I will make the average person feel much more capable of making their own food. And despite my lack of presentation skills… Karen and I both cleaned our plates. It was better than it looked!

1. There is a portal to an alternate dimension in my dryer. It’s where my socks disappear to.

2. The Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block had a concert in Canada. How long can they still be called Kids and Boys? At this point isn’t more like “The Creepy Guys on the Block” or “Backstreet Fellows”?

3. If I’m ever stuck in my seat belt in an upside down car with gasoline flowing from my severed fuel line as sparks threaten to ignite the gas and burn me alive I think my last thought will be “great, I’m going to die in a fucking bad movie cliché.”

4. I think people just like being in relationships so they can have someone nice to think about when they hear love songs.

5. How disappointed were gay men when they first heard the rapper “Fabolous”?

6. You think Calvin owns that McDonald’s yet?

7. People hate Lebron so much right now that I’m waiting for him to release his long form birth certificate at his next press conference.

8. I hate when there are paper towels on the bathroom floor like someone wiped their hands and made it rain napkins.

9. Degrees are over rated. Why else would it take 425 of them to bake a pizza in under a half hour? Fuck school.

10. If you want to see Alexis Texas fuck a black dude just adjust the tint on your TV.

11. I’m pretty sure Victoria’s Secret was that she’s a hoe.

12. I’m totally against group think and peer pressure. Unless you guys are for it. Then in that case it’s cool with me. Please like me.

13. I don’t think people are racist. I just think the presence of a black person is a great reminder to remotely arm your car alarm system.

14. If you’re ever trying to sneak into a house and murder a family remember every time God closes are door he opens a window.

1. I bet the guy who tried to rape Antoine Dodson’s sister is the same guy who shot Biggie and Tupac.

2. Bristol Palin is getting a reality TV show? She really is setting the standard for those “16 & Pregnant” chicks.

3. Porn, liquor and dead bodies are the only things that always come in black bags.

4. What were the odds of Princess Zelda NOT being a black woman? I bet her last name was Jackson or Washington or something.

5. Isn’t the title “Booty Talk” very misleading? There is very little actual talking in these videos. Not that I’m upset or anything.

6. I can’t decide if being serious is underrated or overrated. Either way, I don’t want to be serious unless I absolutely have to be.

7. You haven’t been on the net long enough until someone you’ve never met or seen threatens to harm you.

8. If you don’t have a savings account you shouldn’t be allowed to tell people “get money” as an insult.

9. The world’s most wanted mastermind terrorist and he still left the porn tape in the VCR. Men are all the same.

10. I bet harmonica players used to get all the pussy back in the day. Think about it.

11. Now that Oprah’s retiring can the Illuminati let Dave Chappelle back on the air?

12. Have you ever considered that some black people are in interracial relationships because they would like to catch a taxi? A lot of people don’t know that “CP Time” stands for “Cab Prejudice Time” when black people are running late.

13. I’m going to write a movie called “Xmen: 2nd Class” about all the black mutants during the 60’s.

14. If you don’t have an iPhone then you’re probably not a douche. But then again you don’t have an iPhone and I do… loser.

15. Why do they call the show “Whale Wars”? Are the whales even aware that there are sides?

1. The Dollar Store sells pregnancy test? I’d treat those bad boys like an NBA play-off series. Best of 7 results wins. “Hey I got 4 positives and 3 negatives. I guess I’m not pregnant?”

2. All of my favorite emails begin with the same thing… “your payment has been received”

3. The more I think about it that dunk that Blake Griffin did over the Kia in the All Star slam dunk contest was pretty stupid. Who buys a car because it has been dunked on? Isn’t that what we’re all trying to avoid in real life? Maybe if they had driven the car into Blake Griffin and it blocked his shot then I’d think about buying a Kia.

Sidenote: Has Baron Davis ever looked happier than throwing that alley-oop for Blake while sitting in the driver’s seat? I wonder how Cleveland is working out for him? Too soon?

4. I had the saddest thought today. I bet the Beastie Boys all vote Republican now. What if they are birthers? I know they have a new album coming out soon. I bet they have tracks named “Just show us the birth certificate”, “Bronze Monkey” or “Fight For Your Right To Tea Party”.

5. It’s not officially the end of the world until some dude who only goes by the name “Snake” is our last hope.
Sidenote: Heroes who wear eye patches but can still shoot with the accuracy of a class A marksman freak me out. How can they do that with no depth perception?

6. When is Angry Birds going to come out with a Kwanzaa edition for “Angry Birds: Seasons”?

7. So if someone wants to be your friend on Facebook but they used to bully you back in the day… what does it say if you accept them? Does it mean you’ve forgiven them or does it mean you’re still a pussy? Or does it just mean you want to look at their pictures and see if their life is better than yours?

8. Sometimes you have to do the extra stuff in relationship. It’s about the little things like stealing her Facebook passwords. If you don’t take the time to look through their pockets for phone numbers then can you really say you care?

9. Will we ever truly have the real life innovations like the ones they have in video games already? I would like health packs to sustain me when I do stupid shit. Also I’d like to be able to save my game before important moments through out my day. Like if I have an important meeting with my boss I’d save first. Wait… is my boss going to actually be the boss level of my video game?

10. I don’t need no fucking number 10 random thought.

11. The n-word is the only slang term that white people invented first. And it stuck too. It has the same meaning that it had back when they started using it. It wasn’t co-opted and changed in meaning. Then black people made it too cool for them to every have it back. At least they still have “secret Muslim”, “thug” and “Tyler Perry fan” to call us.

12. If you’re walking down the street and you see a news camera pointed at your torso but it’s not focusing on your face… it’s time to hit the gym. I’m like one news report away from hitting a treadmill at 5 am every morning.

13. What if Tyler Perry is from an alternate universe where criticism was never invented? It would make sense right?

14. Isn’t a serial killer just a hoarder of corpses? They need their own TV show on A & E