Category: Blog Post (Page 13 of 16)

I'm already regretting last night.

1. Pandora was probably just a crazy chick back in ancient Greece and opening her box probably lead to her being all types of ratchet. Subsequently I think all crazy women’s vaginas should be called “Pandora’s Boxes”.

And to think this used to just be a concept.

 
2. Kids have no imagination any more. Everything is already mapped out for them with video games and various other technology. If you ask a kid what “Imagination” is they’ll tell you it’s a editing program made by Sony. Look it up!

#Employed

3. Ladies I wear a size 13 in business shoes. And you know what they say about a man’s business shoes right? He’s got a job.

This is useless now.

4. Why did we spend all that time learning the Dewey Decimal system?

5. The secret ingredient in my recipe to make tender ribs is “let the ribs listen to Drake for 2 hours” before grilling.

Look it up!

6. New Twitter rule if you can figure something out in 10 seconds with the help of Google then don’t ask me! I’m tired of questions like, “what’s the score of the game” sent from a smart phone or laptop computer.

You really gotta hand it to these vaginas.

7. The new Summer’s Eve commercial compares vaginas to hands. Somehow I think men have known this for years.

No thing to say here other than Caramel was the baddest black porn star ever!

8. Who ever came up with “no such thing as a dumb question” obviously didn’t have a Twitter account.

Not nearly as intimidating right?

9. If you think about it Batman’s belt was the only cool “Fanny Pack” in world history. Of course Jack Bauer has the only cool “man-purse” though.

Pain motivates us all.

10. Much like art all good binge eating comes from shame.

Duh

11. Kids are stupid. How do these clown party costumes fool them? Of course that’s not Sponge Bob dummy. Suddenly he and Patrick can’t talk? Really? If he had a sore throat why wouldn’t he just stay home?

Totally just hanging out toddling and stuff.

12. I know we call little kids toddlers but what exactly is toddling? Is it like how hipsters are hip?

Is it the onions or the repressed memories?

13. You ever cut onions and start crying at the same time you realize your uncle molested you? Thank God for those onions…

There is only one step left.

14. First there was planking. That’s where people lay down flat and take a pic of themselves. Now there is “Batmaning” where you hang from an object by your toes. I think the next step in the agenda is to bring back lynching. I’m onto you white people.

You have no depth perception. How will you hit me.

15. In hindsight I see why Snake Plisskin always had such a hard time convincing people he was a bad ass. He had one eye and a perm.

What ever happened to this dude any way?

16. I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “Dieing of AIDS. Please help!” And I wanted to roll the window down and say “Yeah I can help you. You spelled ‘dying’ wrong.”

Okay, it’s time for more stove adventures with me and the listeners to our podcast. Thanks for all of your submissions over the past few days. You can always send us your food pics by emailing theblackguywhotips@gmail.com. Let’s get right into it.

I made lamb loin chops by battering them in panko bread crumbs and baking them in the oven. Then i microwaved a couple of potatoes and wrapped them in foil. After they softened up I opened them up and added some cheese (hey white people) bacon and sour cream. It was so good.

And Karen’s plate

From @InTheBleachers Hand pattied burgers seasoned with red pepper flake, fresh cracked pepper, kosher salt and diced chiles.

@RealAnge with some chicken and rice.

From Andre:

Beef tenderloin strips with a Red wine and tomatoe sauce. Wild rice with apples, raises, and walnuts. Scalloped Potatoes with real Bacon bits. Green beans with mushrooms.

Second is Seafood Pasta with Crab meat, shrimp scallops and smoked salmon to add flavor. Steamed Alaskan Crab Legs seasoned with Seasoned salt and obay

From Joy:

I made Chicken puff onion, garlic, cream cheese inside sweet potato fries zucchini and onion

@Sterling made pancakes with powdered sugar.

From The Inks @Mr_InkInsideMe and @getoffmyplanet Mini burgers!

From Eric: This is a salad that has watermelon, feta cheese, scalions, sliced grape tomatoes, and olive oil

From @Jay_GoShin before and after of Brown Sugar Bourbon marinade steak (pre and post)

@Delphrano in his own words: this is my palomilla with huevos y arroz...which pretty much translates to steak with eggs and rice...this is my favorite breakfast dish. by the way, that's A1 bold and ketchup on the palomilla and the egg is over-easy. I'm Dominican, so this is "normal" for me.

Okay that’s all for now. See you guys next time! Thanks for submitting your food. Real people can cook too!

Okay so the response to this blog series on cooking has been fantastic. Many of you have contributed your own work in the kitchen and I want to encourage you to continue to do so. Haven’t received any pictures that I refuse to post because of poor effort. So before we get into tonight’s blog remember that you can always send your pics of your food to theblackguywhotips@gmail.com and I’ll post them on the blog. I tried doing it with Twitter and Facebook but it’s way too hard to keep up with.

So I made some slow baked pork loin ribs and sauteed mixed veggies. The mixed veggies included two things I’ve never cooked before asparagus and graffiti eggplant. I also put some tomatoes and onions in there. It was so good. I was really shocked because the stir fried veggies were a last second addition. One sidenote I’ve noticed with this cooking experiment I’ve undergone is that I eat less. While I was prepping the food and waiting for it to cook for 2 and a half hours I didn’t want to eat anything that would spoil my appetite. And it was low carb too. Compared to what I would’ve eaten I think I did pretty well. Here are the pics.

The Before Pic

Now for some reader / podcast listener submitted pics.

Submitted by @ThisIsW

Eggs and Bacon submitted by @Phenomblak

It’s a west indian dish and the way he serves it, is either over white rice or on the side of rice & peas.

Submitted by @RealAnge

Mmm baked apple pies! They look delish!

Handmade pizza by @chrislamberth

All by hand? Go Chris! And he assured me it was delicious.

Alright that’s everyone for this round. See you guys next time I cook and take some pics.

Okay, since the last blog about cooking I’ve had some readers and podcast listeners submit their food pics too. To understand why I’m doing this please check out my other blog post HERE.

So I cooked again and now I have some new results and some user submitted pictures below.

And finally

Huh? What do you think? Some people questioned the bacon being done but trust me it was done. I don’t like it crispy.

Now on to some user submitted pics.

Steak and baked beans by @Grundyman517

This is from Gabby @MindOfGabrielle and she says:

This is my favorite eggplant and chicken dish cooked down in a spicy and yummy Ethiopian berbere sauce. Soooo good!! 🙂 The pic is before the eggplant totally cooks down and melds with the yummy boneless chicken breast pieces.

And Gabby submitted this one too.

Sauteed chicken breast with black beans and asparagus.

I know how it looks but I didn't use the Waffler to make the chicken. I swear I didn't.

I’d like to thank KanYeBreast on Twitter for inspiring this idea. She’s a hilarious follow and a renown cook on the interwebs. Check out her appetizing blog here for humor and delicious recipes. Another good foodie is Elon James White (who’s been on the podcast before) and you can check out his food blog here.  Now after viewing those blogs you probably feel like the fat guy in the gym. As inspirational as that should be it’s actually a little discouraging. Why even cook at all if you can’t match their skill level? Is there even a chance you’ll ever randomly accidentally perhaps one day cook something that could go to college and graduate to look like one of these items?

No? Me either but what you CAN possibly do is make something similar or better than my concoction above. It’s a split chicken breast that was marinated for 3 days in wine and garlic and then grilled outside on the … uh … grill. And the veggies are sauteed chayote squash, yellow sqaush and onions. 24 hours ago I hadn’t ever heard of chayote squash. Anyways I put this on Twitter and openly invited the world to mock my food. And a lot of people definitely got in some good jokes. The chicken was called a frog, Darkwing Duck and a bat. And that’s when I realized MY gift for cooking.

Yeah that’s right “gift”. KanyeBreast and Elon James unintentionally intimidate many of us to keep our food pics off Twitter and our bodies out of the kitchen. Well I think my lack of skill will encourage many people to say “Hey I can do something better than that.” And that’s what I’m about. I believe I will inspire many more people to pick up their neglected kitchen utensils and follow me on my journey to cook for myself.

Cooking for myself is about making healthy choices for me and taking control of my diet. I doubt I’ll ever get to the level of “plating” and preparing food the way the pros do it. I guarantee I will make the average person feel much more capable of making their own food. And despite my lack of presentation skills… Karen and I both cleaned our plates. It was better than it looked!

1. There is a portal to an alternate dimension in my dryer. It’s where my socks disappear to.

2. The Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block had a concert in Canada. How long can they still be called Kids and Boys? At this point isn’t more like “The Creepy Guys on the Block” or “Backstreet Fellows”?

3. If I’m ever stuck in my seat belt in an upside down car with gasoline flowing from my severed fuel line as sparks threaten to ignite the gas and burn me alive I think my last thought will be “great, I’m going to die in a fucking bad movie cliché.”

4. I think people just like being in relationships so they can have someone nice to think about when they hear love songs.

5. How disappointed were gay men when they first heard the rapper “Fabolous”?

6. You think Calvin owns that McDonald’s yet?

7. People hate Lebron so much right now that I’m waiting for him to release his long form birth certificate at his next press conference.

8. I hate when there are paper towels on the bathroom floor like someone wiped their hands and made it rain napkins.

9. Degrees are over rated. Why else would it take 425 of them to bake a pizza in under a half hour? Fuck school.

10. If you want to see Alexis Texas fuck a black dude just adjust the tint on your TV.

11. I’m pretty sure Victoria’s Secret was that she’s a hoe.

12. I’m totally against group think and peer pressure. Unless you guys are for it. Then in that case it’s cool with me. Please like me.

13. I don’t think people are racist. I just think the presence of a black person is a great reminder to remotely arm your car alarm system.

14. If you’re ever trying to sneak into a house and murder a family remember every time God closes are door he opens a window.

1. I bet the guy who tried to rape Antoine Dodson’s sister is the same guy who shot Biggie and Tupac.

2. Bristol Palin is getting a reality TV show? She really is setting the standard for those “16 & Pregnant” chicks.

3. Porn, liquor and dead bodies are the only things that always come in black bags.

4. What were the odds of Princess Zelda NOT being a black woman? I bet her last name was Jackson or Washington or something.

5. Isn’t the title “Booty Talk” very misleading? There is very little actual talking in these videos. Not that I’m upset or anything.

6. I can’t decide if being serious is underrated or overrated. Either way, I don’t want to be serious unless I absolutely have to be.

7. You haven’t been on the net long enough until someone you’ve never met or seen threatens to harm you.

8. If you don’t have a savings account you shouldn’t be allowed to tell people “get money” as an insult.

9. The world’s most wanted mastermind terrorist and he still left the porn tape in the VCR. Men are all the same.

10. I bet harmonica players used to get all the pussy back in the day. Think about it.

11. Now that Oprah’s retiring can the Illuminati let Dave Chappelle back on the air?

12. Have you ever considered that some black people are in interracial relationships because they would like to catch a taxi? A lot of people don’t know that “CP Time” stands for “Cab Prejudice Time” when black people are running late.

13. I’m going to write a movie called “Xmen: 2nd Class” about all the black mutants during the 60’s.

14. If you don’t have an iPhone then you’re probably not a douche. But then again you don’t have an iPhone and I do… loser.

15. Why do they call the show “Whale Wars”? Are the whales even aware that there are sides?

1. The Dollar Store sells pregnancy test? I’d treat those bad boys like an NBA play-off series. Best of 7 results wins. “Hey I got 4 positives and 3 negatives. I guess I’m not pregnant?”

2. All of my favorite emails begin with the same thing… “your payment has been received”

3. The more I think about it that dunk that Blake Griffin did over the Kia in the All Star slam dunk contest was pretty stupid. Who buys a car because it has been dunked on? Isn’t that what we’re all trying to avoid in real life? Maybe if they had driven the car into Blake Griffin and it blocked his shot then I’d think about buying a Kia.

Sidenote: Has Baron Davis ever looked happier than throwing that alley-oop for Blake while sitting in the driver’s seat? I wonder how Cleveland is working out for him? Too soon?

4. I had the saddest thought today. I bet the Beastie Boys all vote Republican now. What if they are birthers? I know they have a new album coming out soon. I bet they have tracks named “Just show us the birth certificate”, “Bronze Monkey” or “Fight For Your Right To Tea Party”.

5. It’s not officially the end of the world until some dude who only goes by the name “Snake” is our last hope.
Sidenote: Heroes who wear eye patches but can still shoot with the accuracy of a class A marksman freak me out. How can they do that with no depth perception?

6. When is Angry Birds going to come out with a Kwanzaa edition for “Angry Birds: Seasons”?

7. So if someone wants to be your friend on Facebook but they used to bully you back in the day… what does it say if you accept them? Does it mean you’ve forgiven them or does it mean you’re still a pussy? Or does it just mean you want to look at their pictures and see if their life is better than yours?

8. Sometimes you have to do the extra stuff in relationship. It’s about the little things like stealing her Facebook passwords. If you don’t take the time to look through their pockets for phone numbers then can you really say you care?

9. Will we ever truly have the real life innovations like the ones they have in video games already? I would like health packs to sustain me when I do stupid shit. Also I’d like to be able to save my game before important moments through out my day. Like if I have an important meeting with my boss I’d save first. Wait… is my boss going to actually be the boss level of my video game?

10. I don’t need no fucking number 10 random thought.

11. The n-word is the only slang term that white people invented first. And it stuck too. It has the same meaning that it had back when they started using it. It wasn’t co-opted and changed in meaning. Then black people made it too cool for them to every have it back. At least they still have “secret Muslim”, “thug” and “Tyler Perry fan” to call us.

12. If you’re walking down the street and you see a news camera pointed at your torso but it’s not focusing on your face… it’s time to hit the gym. I’m like one news report away from hitting a treadmill at 5 am every morning.

13. What if Tyler Perry is from an alternate universe where criticism was never invented? It would make sense right?

14. Isn’t a serial killer just a hoarder of corpses? They need their own TV show on A & E

WARNING: What you’re about to read is a bit out of place for this site. I try my best to keep “The Black Guy Who Tips” a place for you guys to come and escape reality and catch a few laughs. If you choose to read the below post then just prepare to deal with my own issues with racism, politics and patriotism. I completely understand if you don’t want to read this or if you find it to be a bit lengthy. Hell… maybe it’s even got too much rambling in it. This post was more for me than it was for you but if you’re still interested …

I’m a 32 year old man but I was briefly moved to tears this week. Maybe it’s the cumulative effect of fatigue dealing with all the subtle racial nuances of a special unrelenting segment of Obama’s critics. Maybe it’s because I had just read an email sent out to my entire department telling us we couldn’t leave our cubicles for a soda or a snack unless it was during our schedule breaks. Did I mention I am 32 years old? I’m just writing this for myself more than anyone else because I want to examine why I was so affected by this week’s events.

For me, April 27^th , 2011 will always be the day when President Obama had to unveil his birth certificate (again) for all the world to see just to stop baseless speculation about his legitimacy as an American citizen. For what? To appease a segment of society that will NEVER be okay with him holding office over our nation. To quash the attention that people like Donald Trump are receiving from legitimate media outlets while riling up “birthers” and TV ratings? Meanwhile anyone with any common sense knows that these people will never fully recognize Obama as president of the United States of America no matter how much evidence lands at their door step.  As soon as the birth certificate was revealed (again) the question started up about his grades. The implication in THIS case being that he must’ve benefited from affirmative action since he was black and got into a good school. It was MORE race baiting.

The thought that you can hold the highest office in the land but still have your credentials checked because you happen to be black is very disturbing. It’s a constant reminded that the operative letters that offer the most insult in “DWB” are “WB”. This feels like every time that a black man has ever been harassed for driving on the wrong side of town except this happened to the most powerful man on the planet. It signifies the fact that before all else he is out of place in his current position and has to PROVE his legitimacy for anyone who can gather enough media attention to cause a stir. He’s guilty of presiding while black and nothing else.

I think back to the night of the election results and how exuberant I was about our country and a feeling of belonging that I hadn’t ever felt before. There was a pride in my chest that swelled with belief in progress and unity. I felt like we as a people had broken a racial sound barrier together. I still do believe that to a large extent but some of my enthusiasm has waned. This whole debacle feels like someone hit the reset button on my unsaved season of John Madden football. It’s just not fair.

It’s been a long time coming. It started with the Clintons originally raising suspicions about Obama’s origin and now it’s escalated to where anyone with a webcam and 10 minutes of time can question him. All of this to remind us that he’s “other”.  Since then there have been countless incidents that have hinted at his race and highlighted the fact that he’s just not like most Americans. I’ll just remind you of a few.

• Hilary Clinton’s supposition that “hard working Americans” wouldn’t vote for Obama.
• The Tea Party’s accusation that he wasn’t from America
• A republican representative sending out pictures of him superimposed onto the face of a monkey
• The entire reverend Wright debacle that lead to one of the most poignant speeches on race of my life time
• Donald Trump’s latest stint in the media which lasted longer and garnered far more attention than it should have.

Democrats and Republicans have been complicit in this. Both sides of the media have done stories on all of these topics. Maybe these things move ratings meters but they are also divisive and destructive to the psyches of many black people across this nation. It’s a constant undertone that simply says, “you’re less than. You are different.” I’m used to dealing with this underlying tone in most media so rest assured that’s not what made me cry.

What really got to me today were thoughts of my father and the land he owns in Fort Mill, SC. My father  (who is still alive) bought some land a while back when I was a teenager. It’s just a plot in a residential community along the side of a lake. We’d go down there and go fishing every once in a while. Sometimes he would talk about building a house down there when he retires and living there while fishing the days away. In my own blissful ignorance I have never truly understood or thought about why he bought that land. There have been times when I’ve even felt it was silly. He would check out quarterly valuations of his plot and tell me how it was increasing in value. Some days his face would beam with pride because he got an offer from a perspective buyer but he would always decline to sell it.

At this point I think the offer could’ve been for double the value of the land and my father would still say “no thanks.” And now today I think I understand. That land represents my father’s right as an American citizen to own something that only he can claim. That is his piece of America and of the American dream.  I am 32 years old and I feel stupid for just now realizing this. My father shouldn’t HAVE to own anything to center his patriotism around but the truth is that we are black first and American second. No matter how I would like to be perceived this is the awful truth. My patriotism comes with a buy in that simply isn’t required of people like the ones who question Obama’s legitimacy.

So I cried for a few seconds. I cried because a feeling that I haven’t truly given into for over 2 years so of rushed back. It’s like finding out that cancer that you thought you had beaten is no longer in remission.  I cried for my father who literally has to own a piece of America in order to feel like he is no longer owned by America. I cried because I felt humbled a bit because I do live vicariously through Obama and his family. I DO take pride in their blackness and their successes. I will not apologize for that. I cried in protest to the recognition that Trump and his ilk receive as if they have qualified points of view that should be considered.

I do not want to feel this melancholy foreboding sense of worry every time I turn on a radio or TV or press play on a podcast. I thought I had conquered the ability to be hurt by the ignorance of race baiting. Still, when I watched Obama address a room full of journalist who were treating the absurd as if it had credence and should be considered I felt “less than”. I don’t have a happy way to end this. I just don’t want to feel “less than” any more just for being black. I don’t want to be told not to care simply because other people aren’t ready to deal with their own issues of race. I would love to feel American first and black second but that can’t happen until other people decide to accept that premise before dealing with me and “the blacks”.

“This land is your land. This land is my land. But I’m going to need to see a receipt. “