I'm already regretting last night.

1. Pandora was probably just a crazy chick back in ancient Greece and opening her box probably lead to her being all types of ratchet. Subsequently I think all crazy women’s vaginas should be called “Pandora’s Boxes”.

And to think this used to just be a concept.

 
2. Kids have no imagination any more. Everything is already mapped out for them with video games and various other technology. If you ask a kid what “Imagination” is they’ll tell you it’s a editing program made by Sony. Look it up!

#Employed

3. Ladies I wear a size 13 in business shoes. And you know what they say about a man’s business shoes right? He’s got a job.

This is useless now.

4. Why did we spend all that time learning the Dewey Decimal system?

5. The secret ingredient in my recipe to make tender ribs is “let the ribs listen to Drake for 2 hours” before grilling.

Look it up!

6. New Twitter rule if you can figure something out in 10 seconds with the help of Google then don’t ask me! I’m tired of questions like, “what’s the score of the game” sent from a smart phone or laptop computer.

You really gotta hand it to these vaginas.

7. The new Summer’s Eve commercial compares vaginas to hands. Somehow I think men have known this for years.

No thing to say here other than Caramel was the baddest black porn star ever!

8. Who ever came up with “no such thing as a dumb question” obviously didn’t have a Twitter account.

Not nearly as intimidating right?

9. If you think about it Batman’s belt was the only cool “Fanny Pack” in world history. Of course Jack Bauer has the only cool “man-purse” though.

Pain motivates us all.

10. Much like art all good binge eating comes from shame.

Duh

11. Kids are stupid. How do these clown party costumes fool them? Of course that’s not Sponge Bob dummy. Suddenly he and Patrick can’t talk? Really? If he had a sore throat why wouldn’t he just stay home?

Totally just hanging out toddling and stuff.

12. I know we call little kids toddlers but what exactly is toddling? Is it like how hipsters are hip?

Is it the onions or the repressed memories?

13. You ever cut onions and start crying at the same time you realize your uncle molested you? Thank God for those onions…

There is only one step left.

14. First there was planking. That’s where people lay down flat and take a pic of themselves. Now there is “Batmaning” where you hang from an object by your toes. I think the next step in the agenda is to bring back lynching. I’m onto you white people.

You have no depth perception. How will you hit me.

15. In hindsight I see why Snake Plisskin always had such a hard time convincing people he was a bad ass. He had one eye and a perm.

What ever happened to this dude any way?

16. I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “Dieing of AIDS. Please help!” And I wanted to roll the window down and say “Yeah I can help you. You spelled ‘dying’ wrong.”