I Think We Should See Other People
- Love – All relationships start over at zero on the first day of the Zombie Apocalypse. The new wedding vows will be “until circumstances do us partâ€. Too many times have I seen people cave at the thought of leaving a loved one to fend for themselves. Well that’s too bad. Now that the zombies are here everyone is a stranger to me. This includes family, friends and marriages. And don’t think that I believe I’m special. I assume EVERYONE is going to do the same thing. Well, everyone who will survive the Zombie Apocalypse that is.
I Half Want This Kid To Die RIGHT NOW anyways!
- People Who Have A Hard Time Following Instructions – This includes many groups of people, small children, stubborn old people, racist, feminist and many many more. Debate becomes all but useless in a life or death situation. And if I’m holding a door open for you to escape a horde of zombies the last thing I need to hear is “I can hold the door for myself. You think because I’m a woman I need you to…†SLAM!
Survival of the Fittest
- Sickly People – There is no getting sick in a zombie attack. A trip to the pharmacy is pointless when neither you nor I know what we’re looking for unless it’s Theraflu. And Theraflu should already be packed in your “go bag†anyway so what are we waiting on? We’re not going to be raiding doctors offices for Asthma medicine and insulin okay?
30 Seconds or Less
- Long Goodbyes – So say one of the crew gets bitten and now as they’re slowly devolving into a brain eater they want to discuss the entirety of their life and pass down lessons… wrong time. Wrap it up B! Suddenly mid-sentence I’m starting to look a lot less like Rod and more and more like a snack. If you get bitten you are dead already as far as I’m concerned. I’m shooting all bite victims immediately.
There Isn't Any Time For Mind Games
- People With Hidden Agendas – Hey man, I barely tolerate your crap right now. So don’t come to me with secret agendas and ulterior motives. The time for subterfuge is over with. We need to keep everything on the up and up. If you take a detour in the middle of supply run to go get an engagement ring from an abandon strip mall … I’m shooting you. And when I get back I’m telling everyone the zombies ate you. Word life.
This Isn't Thriller Or A Flash Mob
- Large Groups Of People – You see potential friends and I see potential zombies who are already within my personal space. I need a small mobile group who can fend for themselves and leave things promptly. Large groups need large rations, large space to stay and have many varied motivations. I need a few people armed to the teeth and ready to roll on a moment’s notice. Goodbye Facebook friends only my Myspace top 5 are coming with me on this trip.
No Need For Two Of Us To Fall Ya Dig?
- Compassionate People – We have limited resources and we’re in a dire situation. The last time I need to be thinking about is “Where did half of our water go?â€, because you decided to run off and give a thirsty family of kittens a drink. In our travels we’re going to walk right by many people who are in need and we need to do just that … walk right by. Also, I don’t want you having a mental breakdown about the fact that we are now essentially causing brain trauma to things that look like humans. If you’re a PETA member and suddenly want to seek a humane solution to ending the undead please go sign up with Drake’s zombie survivor unit. Some of the undead WILL be former children and I don’t have the time to risk getting bit while you try to debate the morality of the situation. There is no strength in compassion in a zombie apocalypse, compassion is only a weakness. “Oh but what if they save me?” Sounds good right? But what about all the other times they’ll want you to save other people? More mouths to feed, more danger in groups and more potential zombies.
No time to shop. We'll need this.
- People Without Skills – Look, you need some assets out here in the zombie Armageddon. I don’t care if it’s sowing, fishing or growing plants. You need to be able to do something other than complain all day and second guess me and the crew as we get stuff done. I’m giving you the head’s up now so you can learn how to shoot a gun, memorize the layout of major cities, get some CPR training or learn to drive stick. Don’t become zombie fodder because you thought video games were the only important thing in life.
If You Never Raise Them Up You'll Never Have To Put Them Down
- Pets – Yeah I’m sure your dog / cat / fish is the smartest animal in history. I bet it’s practically a “Lassie†level genius but here’s the thing I don’t care about your pet. In the zombie apocalypse all animals go into two groups: edible and transportation. That’s it. So if we can’t strap a saddle to Fido’s back he’s getting roasted over an open fire. All food now starts over at taste level zero. That means it’s not inedible until I taste it. This isn’t “I Am Legend†and Will Smith isn’t walking through that door. If you remember that movie he went insane and wanted to die after his dog was turned into a zombie dog and he had to smother it to death. Do you really want to go through that? Me either. It’s already going to be bad enough when we have to kill other humans for doing stuff that endangers the group now you want to add animals to that mix? I don’t need your dog running off after a squirrel or barking at an ant while zombies are lurking through the hallways.
You Guys Go Head I'll Sit This One Out
- Lazy People – This differs from people who are smart and efficient. I’m specifically talking about the lazy. We’re going to have to start doing a lot of stuff by hand. Stuff like washing clothes, cooking and building fires. We don’t have time for people to act like a member of the Real World who refuses to do dishes because “I don’t do that” or some other pointless complaint. Lazy people aren’t going to want do all of the stuff it takes to survive. They’re going to want to use the generator for air conditioning and watching DVDs. No thanks.
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