First things first, you need to go HERE to understand the satire you’re about to read.

1. They Love Animals – white women will not only kiss you on the mouth but they will also kiss your dog on the mouth. While many black women don’t want to own a pet unless they are going to use it for dog fighting, white women will welcome animals of all kinds with open arms. The fact that she is receptive to dealing with your black ass means that she’s already willing to let a savage animal in her house.

2. They Are More Secure – It’s hard to cheat on a black woman. They want an unrealistic relationship based on made up words like “respect” and “monogamy”. Black women are intimidating because of all of their education and Destiny’s Child music collections. Black women see cheating as lazy, disrespectful and disgusting. In the white culture this is just considered an “open relationship”. This is why they love to give oral sex. It’s not demeaning to them in any way. White women love to give oral sex like black women hate to go to the gym. Look it up! It’s in books and stuff!

3. Fear of A Black Planet – You can’t pull out the “because I’m black!” argument on a black woman when she ask you why you didn’t even attempt to apply for a job today after sitting on the couch playing NBA 2k10 while she was at work. When she walks in the house and smells the liquor on your breath and the faint scent of weed in the air and says, “Tyrone! Really? You didn’t even log onto the jobs.com account I created for you?” You can just look her in the face and say, “Cause I’m black okay? Is that what you want to hear?!” Things like this will keep you from having to watch the movie “Precious” or attending church when football is on.

4. They Give You More Credit – Brothers, we all know after years of dating black women and ruining their credit that it’s very constricting. I mean how can I expect to get the new Lebron James shoes AND the Kinect add on for my Xbox 360 on a $500 credit card in my girl’s name? It’s damned near impossible. That’s why you have to use the sistas for a gateway to getting on a white woman’s credit line. If she tries to deny you all you have to do is go back to reason number 3 and play the race card. “Oh so I’m good enough for your bed but not your bank account!?! Cause I’m black!” Black women are always checking their statements and questioning you about unauthorized charges and stuff. Who needs that stress? And of course all brothers know that the fatter the white woman the fatter the wallet.

5. They Have Good Family Backgrounds – A recent survey I conducted among my friends scientifically proved that 0% of white women have children out of wedlock. While stereotypes I gained by watching BET say that 99% of black women have multiple kids out of wedlock and 100% have at least 1 child out of wedlock. Further research on the documentary show Maury went deeper into the problem showing that only 1 in 3 black women are correct when choosing who the father of their child is. Even though 100% of these women claimed to be certain. Hard to argue with science right?

6. White Women Are Book Smart – I know that statistics show that many black women graduate from college. Many will even tell you that they read often but what are they reading? Old issues of Jet while waiting to get their hair “did”? Or maybe they are reading the latest book by Steven Harvey on why they just can’t find a man and how it’s their own entire fault. White women are always reading things that educate them so that they may better your life. Meanwhile sisters are street smart but how is that going to help you when applying for a home loan? Have street smarts ever improved your credit score?

7. They Aren’t Worried About Being Independent – Because white women always have fathers and never ever come from broken homes all of them always value having a man in their lives. You don’t even have to be a good man because they are just happy to have any sort of black man. While any date with a black woman will deteriorate into listening to a list of their accomplishments without a man. Look if I want to watch a black woman eat food while masturbating to her own resume I’ll watch Oprah.

8. They Are Okay With Thugs – White women are always looking for ways to stand out from the crowd and rebel against their upbringing. What better way for them to prove how cool they are than by bringing home a tatted up ex con for Thanksgiving with the folks. I know the dinner will be awkward but trust me, her family’s hatred of you only makes her love stronger. She doesn’t mind you staying up till 3 am playing Scarface with the volume loud enough to wake the neighbors. Hell, she’ll even come down and answer the door when the cops come by to investigate

1. I want to invent something called “6, Hour Energy Drinks”. I know what you’re thinking, “Someone already invented that Rod!” Go back and re-read that. See the comma? It’s 6 separate one hour energy drinks instead of one drink that last for 5 hours. It’s brilliant right? You get a whole 6 pack for the same price as one 5 hour energy drink!

2. So the owner of the Segway died by falling off a cliff to his death while riding a Segway? I don’t believe it. It’s either the laziest suicide of all time or my fears have come true. Segways have become sentient and turned on their masters. This is how the plot to terminator begins. This is the perfect murder. Well other than my “training a monkey to kill” murder plan that I came up with after listening to “The Morning Jones” today.

3. I keep seeing commercials about how texting while driving is leading people to dying in car accidents. Then they show the text they were reading at the time of death and it’s always something really boring like, “yeah” or “cool”. Well I’m not saying any text is worth dying for but isn’t that out of context? I’d like to see the whole conversation. Also what if the text was really clever and funny. Would that be worth dying for?

4. I never got into the game “Clue” and I think I know why. It’s a cultural thing. Most black people don’t even grow up playing that game. I think it’s because it’s unbelievable that someone would have that many rooms and items. You killed someone in a foyer? What is a foyer? I didn’t know what a foyer was until I was grown. I thought “libraries” were buildings with books not a room upstairs in the house.

5. I wonder if there is a secret room in the bank for rich people where they can go into the back and roll around in their money like Scrooge McDuck. Like you just roll around back there for a couple of minutes and then walk out like nothing happened. It can be called a the “Glory Roll” room.

6. You might be moving into the hood if your neighbors are doing inventory of your electronics as you move in. “Hey man… was that 2 big screen flat panel TVs? I have you down for 2.”

7. I’m not even mad at Brett Favre. I’m just impressed he can operate a camera phone at 42 years old. Also who would’ve thought you could fit a camera phone in the back pocket of a pair of Wranglers? Not me.

8. I love how every article on relationship advice always starts off with the author telling you that they are in a relationship. As if that is validation for anything. Do you know how easy it is to be in a relationship? It’s not impressive at all. A few clicks on your Facebook page can change the status of your relationship drastically. With the high failure rate of relationships I highly doubt anyone should consider themselves an “expert” at anything other than the ONE relationship they are capable of maintaining at the time.

9. A friend of mine told me that her s/o cheated on her but not physically. What other way is there to cheat? Was it financially? In an alternate dimension? Did they time travel to the future?

10. Is it okay to root for the villain in “Enough” because we all know J-Lo is a horrible person in real life?

11. Well it took me 32 years but I totally realized the sexual innuendo in the food items, “Banana Pudding” and “Banana Nut Bread” and I will no longer able to say these without at the very least smiling uncomfortably.

12. Unstoppable puts the “Train” back in “Training Day”.